Why? Because everyone else is doing it.

We all know the standard resolutions. Lose weight, eat better, exercise more, spend more quality time with loved ones, 200dpi (sorry...lame printing joke there.)

We also all know that no one ever keeps these up, usually they are broken before 9:00 AM January 1st. Since I'm tired of not keeping my resolutions, I have a solution: set my standards a lot lower. So, without further ado, here is my list of resolutions.

1. I will not brutally murder any midgets during 2006 (note that I said brutally...the occasional quick twist of the neck is still acceptable)

2. I will not smuggle drywall into the US from Canada.

3. I will not drink Zima.

4. I will not commit arson.

5. I will not attend a live performance by Ludwig von Beethoven.

6. I will not change my name to Bruce.

Whew...I feel better already. Crap. I just got my application back from the courthouse. My name is now officially "Bruce Fuzzyshorts." Oh well, one down, five to go. Happy New Year everyone.