Thursday, September 25, 2008


New Side Project

I'm working on a new side project, Cap'n Sloshy's Breakfast-O-Rama. Go check it out and let me know what you think of the layout.

Have a great weekend!

JT out.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


What Happens When Pirates Drink...

...also known as "My New Haircut." Sorry these didn't go up yesterday, I got lazy and forgot. Last Friday night, after sampling plenty of rum, eating three packs of ketchup and continuing to drink beer, it was haircut time. Originally, my hair was not included.

You see, Kyle and Burt were participating in the USMC's Mud Run on Saturday. It's a huge obstacle course event run by teams of four. Every year they run it along with the Evil Genius and his wife, whom I suppose we'll dub Mrs. Evil. Not that she's evil. Quite the opposite. Perhaps we'll call her Mrs. Genius? Nah, I like the sound of Mrs. Evil. Regardless, one year they all shaved their heads, another year they did something else, this year was faux-hawks. Well, for the guys anyway. Mrs. Evil keeps her hair the same.

At any rate, I was enlisted to help with the cutting of the hair, and it was great fun. So much fun that when, after several more beers, they tried to convince me to participate in the trend, I willingly agreed. Here are the results:

Left to Right: JT, Kyle, Burt

I have no idea if we were doing a "fighting pose" or a "dancing pose."

Clearly, we are Pirate Cheerleaders.

This was all great fun Friday night until I had to wake up Saturday morning and go to work, something that I had overlooked a bit in my drunken haze the night before. I didn't have enough time to locate the clippers, correct guard, and trim the hawk off. No one said much at first, and I thought that perhaps it wasn't noticeable since I had washed all of the gel out and the hair was just lying flat on top of my head...until my boss said "You got a wrestling match with Chief Wahoo McDaniel later?"


JT out.

Monday, September 22, 2008


These Ketchup Packets Three...

It's been a while since I've posted any of my drinking stunt videos on here. This one is probably the most tame of any yet, but it was a fun spontaneous idea inspired by Kyle and I drinking rum on International Talk Like a Pirate Day, and Burt got to the house just in time to assist.

I should note that following three ketchup packets with Boulder's Cold Hop beer was a terrible idea, as it is a delicious beer and I couldn't really taste anything for the first half of the bottle other than warm, vinegary ketchup.

The dollar I won from Kyle was donated immediately to charity. And by charity, I mean buying more beer.

Coming tomorrow: My New Haircut.

Enjoy your Monday, kids.

JT out.

Friday, September 19, 2008


Dead Men Tell No Tales...

Well sprogs, today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day. You know what that means! Drinkin' too much rum, gropin' a few wenches, and spendin' quality time with me parrot...or be that gropin' parrots and spendin' quality time with me wench?

Either way, I'll be too far into me rum ta notice.

Prepare t' be boarded! Surrender yer booty! Blow me down!

Arrrr, have a great weekend, me mateys!

JT out.

Thursday, September 18, 2008




I love independent music. I used to see a lot of local bands around town in dive bars. Unfortunately, with the advent of adulthood, this kind of fell by the wayside due to those annoying grown-up responsibilities: getting up in the morning, paying the car payment, the mortgage, and feeding the Korean boy we keep in the closet (by the way Kyle, I forgot to feed him this morning, if you get home before I do, toss Yong some kibble.) Also, most of the old dive bars I loved so much have closed their doors.

Despite my best intentions, I usually don't make it out to see too many live shows. One I'm very glad I didn't miss: The Supervillains. Sweet Baby Jesus in the Morning, what a live show. Hell, even the sound check was awesome. I had the privilege of hanging out with these cats the last time they came through town. We spent the better portion of time before the show hanging out in their RV, drinking Orange Blossom Pilsner and just shooting the shit. In addition to being wildly talented, these guys are genuinely friendly and funny as hell. From the cover of Billy Joel's Movin Out/Anthony's Song (best cover ever - you can check it out on their website) to interacting with the crowd, to just rocking fucking balls, these guys are relentless. I can't wait to see them again, I just have to wait for them to come back into town.

What was the best live show you've seen recently? Sound off in the comments section and make some suggestions!

JT out.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008



I don't know how many of my loyal readers are also bloggers, but I know that some of you are. If you're not already using something to track your hits and statistics (I use Google Analytics,) I suggest you start. Or maybe don't, because I spend entirely too much time trying to determine how someone found my site by searching for "2x6 joist span sister," or "high school girls leather pants." I promise I never wrote a post about high school girls in leather pants, Chris Hanson. Please get off of my porch.

Some of my other favorites? List time!

Most of the hits I get come from people searching for some variation on the theme of "white trash party" however. I have to credit one single post for bringing me all of those hits.

What I found the most interesting, however, is that I am being read in 48 out of 50 states (I'm missing North Dakota and West Virginia,) and in 39 countries worldwide. The second-most loyal country is Canada, which makes me feel that perhaps I should apologize for all of the Canadian jokes I make. I should, but I won't. Not until they start exporting french fries and gravy to South Carolina and stop using that silly metric system.

Naturally, I get the most hits from South Carolina, but Wisconsin is bringing up second with Minnesota and California a very close third and fourth. That being said, I get hits from more cities in California (144) than in South Carolina (44). I would love to explain my theory as to why that is, but I don't have one. Feel free to formulate one and get back to me.

The amount of information to be gained is overwhelming. Most of it is useless to me since this isn't a commercial site, but it is vastly entertaining and a touch disturbing at times (see "high school girls leather pants" above.) Crap. Now I'm going to get more and more hits for that. Oh well.

JT out.

Monday, September 15, 2008


New Favorite Jokes

Thanks to theCDP, I stumbled upon a new humor blog over the weekend. Yes, I'm a crazy guy. I read blogs on the weekends. I'm hardcore like that. Anyway, it's called The Sneeze, and my favorite part so far is called Jokes from the Booster Seat, where his young son makes up his own jokes.

Go check them out and have a great Monday.

JT out.

Friday, September 12, 2008



I was planning on doing another lazy post where I just post a bunch of YouTube content, but it seems that whenever I copy the "embed" information from YouTube and try to paste it into Blogger, the information is truncated.

One of two things is happening:

1. YouTube isn't letting me copy all of it (and instead of just clicking in the box and copying, I've even tried dragging the mouse all the way down to the end and copying, as well as clicking in the box and hitting "ctrl-a" to copy all)

2. Blogger can't accept that long of a string of characters.

Since I've done similar posts before, I know that these two products sometimes work together. Under the videos in YouTube, there are a variety of ways to "share" the video, automatically creating links for Facebook, MySpace, Fark, Digg, and several others. Why no option for Blogger since Google owns both products? Wouldn't that, gee, I don't know, make sense?

Anyway, just wanted to put that out there. Also, even though I couldn't post a lazy video post, at least I still managed a lazy complaining about free internet products post. Enjoy the weekend!

JT out.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008


My Birthday Spanking

At this point, I could hear the sound of a belt snapping and knew I was in for it.

I wasn't expecting to get sold out by my own girlfriend, but I think she has secretly always wanted to spank me.

I decided if I just went with it and didn't fight it, she would go easy on me.

I was wrong.

JT out.


Welcome, Comrades...

I have added several new allies to Spork Nation's Axis of Allies. Also, it's my birthday.

Here is a quick welcome. Please take a minute to stop by, say howdy, and leave a comment.

Pointless Banter If I had known him, we would have been great friends in college.

The Ominous Comma Equally hilarious. Currently on hiatus, but we've all been there.

Back to Barnwell - another SC native, residing in the small town of Barnwell, SC. Go say Hi. I'll wait right here until you come back.

Word - Extremely well-written posts on a variety of subjects, from vegetarianism to shoving towels into butts. Could you ask for more?

Be the Boy - Like me, but with a West Coast flair, better writing skills and a hot ass wife.

The Slackmistress Will's hot-ass wife. Sorry,'s true. Congrats, also. Erhmm...congrats also to the slackmistress, because Will is a catch and I don't want to be seen as sexist. RRawwrrr, Will.

Regardless, welcome to my world.

JT out.


Sunday, September 07, 2008


Adventures in Dining

When it comes to eating, I love trying new and exotic dishes. Rarely will I turn down a sampling of something I had previously never considered eating, unless it is a household pet or actually still alive. Like any good Southern boy, I love wild game. Deer, buffalo, elk, wild boar, wild turkey, duck, quail, dove and rabbit are all delicious. Squirrel is a bit tough for my taste, but I have tried it. Among the other meats I’ve tried and enjoyed are lamb, goat, ostrich and kangaroo. Kangaroo is wonderful in an orange glaze. One item that I have tried but absolutely can’t handle is anchovies. Those little bastards are vile to all of the five senses and have no place whatsoever on a dinner table. The one attempt I made at eating a pizza with anchovies on it ended with me spitting the pizza out and consuming mass quantities of beer to make the taste go away. I’m not entirely sure if the taste went away or I just got drunk, but I consider either situation a mark in the “win” column of life.

I don’t limit myself to meats, though. I’m always interested in trying different types of fruits, vegetables and grains, as well as alternative methods of preparation. To me, it’s more about the new experiences and hoping that one day I will find a fruit, vegetable, or grain that tastes identical to bacon. Honestly, if that day ever comes, I believe I could become a vegetarian. I’ll let that sink in for a minute. Me, a vegetarian. Quick question: did any of you fall for that one? I didn’t think so. Even if I found the miracle “bacon fruit,” I still love too many meat-based dishes. Hell, last Saturday my lunch was just a large slab of corned beef, and it was delicious. So, I believe I have made my point: I love trying new foods, I hate anchovies, and I am on a life-long quest for bacon fruit.

An article I read today has made me a touch more hesitant about new foods. The main point of the article was about dangerous food. One of the most well-known would be fugu, a Japanese delicacy made from the meat of the highly toxic pufferfish, and made famous in the United States by a Simpsons episode, which, as a bonus features Bart and Lisa karaokeing Shaft. Chefs actually have to be licensed to prepare fugu, and only 30% of those who take the exam pass. Some chefs deliberately leave a trace amount of poison in the fish, because it causes a numb, tingling sensation of the lips and induces mild feelings of intoxication. Here’s a better way to achieve that same feeling: mentholated lip balm and a few bottles of Hazed and Infused (this method is guaranteed to be 346.7% less likely to kill you.) As much as I love new experiences, painful paralysis and death are not numbered among the ones I want to try.

The one that truly caught my eye and turned my stomach, though, was casu marzu. Essentially, it is a cheese made from rotten goat or sheep milk. Then, for some reason that is entirely beyond me, live cheese fly larvae are intentionally introduced to the cheese to bring it to a state of decomposition. Just for kicks, the maggots are left in the cheese during consumption. As if that isn’t bad enough, the little fuckers are capable of jumping up to six inches in the air. How does it taste? Well, the taste is sometimes so strong that it can actually burn your mouth. Let’s sum this up real quick: in the process of eating this cheese, you could burn your mouth and have a maggot put your eye out. Wonderful! Oh yeah, and the acid in a human’s stomach isn’t strong enough to kill a maggot, meaning that they can get into your intestines and cause lesions and internal bleeding. Dee-licious!. Plus the cheese is actually illegal in Sardonia, its country of origin. Illegal death cheese? No thanks. I’ll stick to this nice, safe, legal hunk of Monterrey Jack, if it’s all the same to you.

There were other, more disturbing and disgusting items, but I’m not here to make any of my readers violently ill, although the illegal death cheese may have done it. Sound off in the comments section with some of your favorite exotic dishes, or experiences you’ve had with death-defying food. Personally, I’m going to go eat something thoroughly safe and processed, like a big bowl of Spaghettios.

JT out.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008


I Have Come Here Today to Spread the Message.

I was shaving this morning, half-asleep, with the television on in the background. You know how it is, the TV is on, but you're not really paying attention, when suddenly you hear something that catches your attention. Normally for me, it's one of two things: that mayo commercial that uses a Flaming Lips song, or one of the Allstate commercials with the two tailgating guys. I love those commercials, even though my house, car and life are insured with someone else.

This morning, it was a commercial about the upcoming switch from standard analog to digital broadcasting. Unless you just haven't been paying attention for the past year, or live in Canada, you have seen countless advertisements on TV and probably been sent roughly eight tons of "informative" pamphlets by your cable or satellite company. Personally, I have known about this switch for years since I once worked at Best Buy part-time. It was the scare tactic they suggested we use to get people to purchase high definition instead of standard definition, and that was in 2002 or 2003.

The commercial this morning was a whole new animal. It encouraged people to explain what the switch meant to others who would not understand. In essence, it was a call to young people to go visit their elderly friends, family, and neighbors, and spread the gospel of HDTV. To me, this is a bit ridiculous for two reasons. One, with all of the information being distributed, it's hard to miss that something is changing. Two, if my grandparents were concerned that they didn't understand, they would just ask me.

Instead, Time Warner cable apparently wants me to don a short-sleeved white dress shirt and clip-on tie, going door-to door asking people if they have heard of the broadcasting signal change. Then, when they tell me they "already have a television signal," or that "it's 2AM and you're drunk, why are you on our porch and where are your pants for the love of God," I should hand them a pamphlet on High Definition and try to weasel my way inside to examine their cable box. Barring that, I should invite them over to my house to watch this glorious High Definition so that I can convert their boxes (that sounds kind of dirty.)

I just don't see the big deal. The worst that can possibly happen is that my crazy Aunt Mabel who lives in a cabin in the woods misses an episode or two of Cops. Then, the next day, she puts on her "going to town" clothes, drives to Radio Shack (official motto: Yes, we still exist.) and buys a converter box. Also, I think it's stupid that the government is subsidizing this switch with coupons to pay for the converter boxes. Is the government truly responsible for making sure no one misses Oprah or Judge Judy tomorrow? Shouldn't they be doing something wacky like reducing the deficit or chasing terrorists?

At any rate, it's getting late, and I'm drunk, so it's about time to put on my clip-on, get on my bike, and go wake the neighbors.

JT out.

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