Friday, August 31, 2007



That's right, kids! The American Foosball is here! And just to prove it, I lost $20 last night, hoping LSU wouldn't cover the spread!

Everyone enjoy opening weekend, I know I will. Be sure to tune into the Clemson - FSU game Monday night on ESPN. Go Tigers!

Pictures of debauchery will appear on Tuesday!

JT out.

Monday, August 27, 2007


Ouch! (Weekend Recap)

I would just like to note that, for once, the "ouch" in my weekend recap does not relate to hangover pain, but to actual physical pain. Sure, the actual physical pain is somewhat indirectly linked to alcohol, but not in the way you are all probably assuming. More on that later.

Friday night was uneventful. I worked at the Village Idiot, clocked out around 10, and then Melissa and I came back to my house and watched The Office. I know, we're hardcore like that. On a brighter note - the Idiot finally started carrying PBR on Friday night. As of right now, twelve have been sold. I bought all twelve. I think Brian is only going to order a case a week to keep me happy.

Saturday was where my weekend got interesting. I worked the day shift at the Idiot, came home, showered, changed clothes, and the met the Captain back up at the Idiot because we had been hired to tend bar at his mom's 50th birthday party. Somewhere between 150 and 300 people were expected. We weren't scared. We're drink-making machines. No, wait, we're drinking machines. Uh oh.

For the most part, the night went off without a hitch. Everyone was extremely friendly, there was plenty of booze, we only ran out of Bud Light for a few minutes, and I met several sales reps for competing beer and wine distributors in the area (Captain's dad is real high up with one of the big boys in the industry.) The biggest problem was the layout of the bar. In order to get a beer, or get ice for mixed drinks, we had to squat down. Imagine squatting down seven times in two minutes. Then rinse and repeat for 5 hours.

Needless to say, my quads are killing me. It hurts to sit down. It hurts to stand up. Stairs are my mortal enemy. Still, two days later, my legs hurt while I'm just sitting here typing. I just hope they get better before I have to go back to the Idiot tomorrow night. I'm barbacking, and that requires lots of trips up and down those damn stairs carrying cases of beer.

Sunday I woke up slightly hungover. Towards the end of the night, people started taking shots at the party, and being the reponsible bartender I am, I joined in. Melissa and I went to Longhorn for lunch. We spent the rest of the afternoon with severe stomach cramps and nausea. Thanks, Longhorn! You suck! I was pretty worried about workingin the kitchen last night, since I kept thinking I might throw up. Luckily, Brian had Maximum Strength Pepto Bismol in one of the coolers. I put away a few shot glasses of that, and was golden within minutes. I'm convinced that if I looked on the label under active ingredients, it would say "magic," because that's how quickly and thoroughly it worked. I think it even made my legs stop hurting as much.

To summarize: Longhorn bad, Pepto good.

Hope everyone enjoyed the weekend, and remember kids: football season starts Thursday!

JT out.

Thursday, August 23, 2007


My Dream Job?

As of yesterday afternoon, I have accepted a position as a wine rep for a relatively small distributor based out of Charleston, SC. Within 3 months we will be adding beers to the lineup, predominantly microbrews and high gravity beers. Within the year, we should be adding liquors as well. I'll still keep my night job at The Village Idiot here in Columbia, but will probably cut my hours back significantly to make room for a "real" job selling booze. I'm beginning to think I'm living a charmed life. Now if only Clemson can clinch the ACC title this year, or at least beat USC, I'll be a happy man.

Speaking of Clemson vs. USC, my roommate (who is a graduate of USC) and myself (a graduate of Clemson) have a bet going - whoever wins the big game gets to fly that flag from our porch for the rest of the year.

Anyway, I start full time this Monday, and am genuinely excited about it. I had been threatening to quit working and attempt to get into law school, but for now I'll just be a booze pusher. More details as I know them, but for now...

JT out.

Monday, August 20, 2007


SC in the news...

I hesitate to keep posting odd South Carolina news, because it probably doesn't do much for our national image. Then I remember that Southerners don't give a damn what anyone else thinks anyway, so why the hell not?

This comes from WLTX, the local CBS affiliate here in Columbia.

SC Prisoner Sues Vick for $63 Quintillion

(Williamsburg County) - In a handwritten lawsuit, a South Carolina prisoner claims that federally indicted NFL star Michael Vick stole his dogs and sold them on eBay to buy missiles from Iran.

Vick is facing federal charges after authorities say he participated in and organized illegal dogfighting in Virginia.

The inmate, who is said to be Jonathan Lee Riches filed a "$63,000,000,000 billion dollar suit" against Vick. The lawsuit claims that the controversial quarterback stole Riches' pit bulls and sold them online for Iranian missiles.

According to Fox News, the complaint also states that Vick pledged allegiance to Al Qaeda in February, and stated that as his reason to have the missiles.

Riches wrote in his lawsuit titled, "Theft and Abuse of My Animals," that "Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes." Riches' lawsuit demands the $63,000,000,000 billion to be backed "by gold and silver. In the handwritten document, he asks that the payment is delivered to the front gates to the Williamsburg Federal Correctional facility in Williamsburg County. The document says that Vick tried to use Riches' name to sell t-shirts, mugs and hats, and that he violated copywright laws against him. Riches is serving time after he was convicted of wire fraud.

So, what is the best part of the document? Easily the last statement written honestly and deftly by Riches: "DUE To Restrictions oN typewriters, this Suit Was Handwritten."

I couldn't make stuff like this up if I tried...sometimes the news is just more amusing than I am.

JT out.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007


Stop Stealing My Look, Jeebus!

Back in high school and early college, I had extremely long, straight brown hair. When I wore it down instead of in a ponytail, everyone remarked that I looked like Jesus. Wearing sandals all the time probably didn't help, either. Then, to add fuel to the fire, a friend of mine had me do several "Jesus poses" for an art project he was working on.

In 1999 I had a tragic hair cutting accident. Since my haircut was pretty straightforward, my friend Big Hook would come by the apartment and cut my hair in exchange for a few beers. It was simple: cut in a straight line. On one dark and stormy night, however, he had already been drinking (quite a bit, I suspect) when he came over and cut it too short. It was now not quite shoulder length, meaning that it was too short to pull back, but not long enough to keep it out of my face all the time. In short (no pun intended,) it was too annoying to keep that way, and I did not have the patience to wait for it to grow out again. I also realized that I would need to cut it shortly anyway in order to get a "real" job when I graduated from Clemson. I went in to an actual salon and had it all cut off the next day.

I thought the Jesus comparisons would stop, and they did...until a week or so ago. I got home one afternoon and found a religious tract shoved in between the door and the doorframe, inviting me to an event that the Jehovah's Witnesses were hosting that weekend. Follow The Christ!, it boldly proclaimed. Then, I saw the picture on the cover. Apparently, the hippie-looking Jesus is too liberal in this great nation these days, so the Jehovah's witnesses gave him a haircut.


JT out.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007


Why I Love My Job

Because where else can you, in the span of 8 hours:

  • Break up a chick fight
    Two girls were standing in the serving area, right in front of where one of the waitresses needed to be. Hilary politely asked them to move three times, which they took offense to. I broke it up and kicked them both out. Who knew it would be more difficult to kick girls out than guys?

  • Have a drunk girl sit on your lap so she can "help" you check IDs
    She didn't actually help, it was way more of a hindrance. Also, since I know Melissa will read this: she was immediately shoved off of my lap.

  • See a delivery driver go ballistic and throw a trash can at his own car
    It was awesome...simply awesome.

  • Watch two girls who claim to be sisters kiss
    Disturbing...or hot? You decide.

  • See a server throw a tray across the bar in anger
    Drew had a really bad night. First, a table walked out without paying, leaving him to cover a $35.00 bill. Second, he was tipped $2.00 on a $68.oo bill. Not due to poor service on his part, so much as it being a table full of fraternity douchebags and sorority girls. Then, to top it all off, as he was carrying a tray full of empty beer bottles to the trash can, two frat boys who were being general dicks and playfully shoving each other ran into him, causing about twelve beer bottles to shatter. He threw the empty tray. The frat boys ran for it.

  • Watch a drunk girl dance on the bar while the owner of the bar sprays her with water from behind the bar
    It was the first time anyone had danced on the bar since it was redone. Here is how our conversation behind the bar went:

    Brian, the owner: Can I spray her with water?

    JT: Bri, you own the bar. You can do whatever the fuck you want.

    Brian: Oh yeah (giggles like a schoolgirl and starts spraying)

    We all expected the girl to get down. She didn't. She kept dancing, so he kept spraying.

  • Have your boss look you square in the eye and say "Josh, I can barely see straight, and I'm getting ready to take an Irish Car's going to be a long night."
    Indeed, it was.

    Nowhere but at the Village Idiot, that's where! For an added bonus, three of the four items talking about drunk girls? They involved the same girl. See if you can guess which ones!

    I seriously believe this job is hazardous to my health, but for now I'm just seeing what happens next. There's never a dull moment, that's for least not on dollar beer night.

    Make your guesses about the drunk girls in the comments section!

    JT out.

  • Friday, August 03, 2007


    These High School Girls…

    They keep getting younger; but I stay the same age. Alllllright.

    My ten-year high school reunion was last Saturday. I didn’t go, for a variety of reasons. First and foremost, it was $35 per person, plus a cash bar. What did the $35 go for? One would assume a meal. One would be making an ass out of you and me. There was no meal, only heavy hor'dourves. The $35 apparently went towards renting the location (which is a terrible location,) a dance floor, and a DJ. Let me ask you: when was the last time you went to an event where the DJ was actually good? Yeah, I can’t think of anything either.

    Still having a touch of that rebellious streak that I had in high school, I planned an anti-reunion. I even decided to make completely random flyers for it. No cover charge, pants optional.

    We all had a blast. In fact, I think the official reunion people were jealous, since 90% of them were at my event before 11:00 PM. I’ll admit…it was a good feeling to pull something like this off. I saw a lot of people I hadn’t seen in years, and was pleasantly surprised at how well I got along with people that I didn’t care for in high school. I suppose ten years of real life can really soften the edges of convictions that seem so important when you’re seventeen and know it all.

    Still, ten years out of high school…where the hell has the time gone? Who the hell is this old guy with grey hairs in his beard that looks back at me from the mirror every morning, and why does his back always hurt? Sure, it’s nice to be able to walk into a bar legally, but occasionally I grow a bit nostalgic about the days of scamming beer out of people and drinking it lukewarm in a field behind someone’s house. We were gods in those days, invincible. Now…well, now, my actions have consequences. There are mortgages, car payments, bills to pay. I wouldn’t trade my life now for anything, I’ve had a good run, and I know there are plenty more years of good memories ahead of me…but sometimes I miss this guy:

    And then, just when I’m already starting to feel old and sorry for myself, the universe delivers the snap kick to the crotch:

    Yes, that is a letter from the AARP, asking me why I have not yet registered, “even though you are fully eligible.”

    Screw you, universe. I’m not quite 28…I’ll have my way with you yet.

    Enjoy your weekends, kids…I’m off to another night at the bar.

    JT out.

    Wednesday, August 01, 2007


    Best. Commercial. Ever.

    This comes from one of CDP's friends, Ben, who runs Killer SandBox Productions. Go check out the rest of his work, it's fantastic.

    JT out.

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