Tuesday, June 30, 2009


Greatest. Trailer. EVER!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


101 Uses for Hobo Blood

This will be a five-part post, consisting of twenty uses per post.

I've gotten so much positive feedback about my mentioning various uses for hobo blood, that I thought I would take a minute and enlighten all you crazy kids on this here interweb about what a versatile material hobo blood truly is, and why we should never take it for granted.

1. Hobo blood is an amazing secret ingredient in your homemade barbecue sauce. For an extra kick, try draining the blood of a hobo who has just gotten drunk off of cheap cherry wine.

2. Hobo blood is highly useful for painting the spare bedroom. It's thinned enough by the high alcohol content to cover a large surface area, and the evaporation rate of the alcohol also helps the paint dry. That's what we call a win-win, kids.

3. Hobo blood is fairly effective for use in dark midnight rituals. While not as effective as the blood of a virgin, who the hell knows where to find a virgin these days?

4. You know that thick black paint that athletes smudge under their eyes to help block the sun? Hobo blood is both cheaper and way more intimidating to the opposing team. Especially if they see you harvest it.

5. It's an excellent form of birth control. Try smearing some on your junk. Did you get any chicks to bang you? Didn't think so. Also, the various diseases you caught? It's gonna fall off soon, chief.

6. It's a natural agent for helping thin out the idiots from the population, also known as "natural selection." Don't believe me? See #5 above. If anyone tried it, well...

7. I think that we can all agree that, up until her very recent and very tragic death, Bea Arthur was a gorgeous woman. Know how she stayed so beautiful? Her nightly facial masks were composed entirely of hobo blood and caramel-flavored rice cakes.

8. We've all heard of Colonel Sander's "eleven secret herbs and spices." While I do not purport that one of them is hobo blood, I do believe that if it was "twelve secret herbs and spices," ol' number twelve would be hobo blood.

9. Having trouble sleeping? Add a drop or two of hobo blood to some chamomile tea. It intensifies the sleep-inducing effects of the tea, although it may cause some truly bizarre dreams.

10. Looking to really kick it up a notch at your next party? Instead of using boring old ice cubes, use "party ice." These are ice cubes composed of 50% hobo blood, 25% club soda, and 25% ditchwater taken from a dead hobo's shoe. Deeeeeelicious! (I have to thank Noah for giving me the jumping off point on this one.)

11. Old Greg occasionally uses it to flavor his Bailey's.

12. When camping, keep large bags of hobo blood hanging from the trees surrounding you campsite. The mosquitoes will be attracted to the bags of blood instead of you. Potential downside: may attract bears also. Just in case, keep some beets around also. Fact: Bears eat beets.

13. Add a couple of drops of hobo blood to the fog machine to create red fog. Cheaper and more energy efficient than buying red light bulbs. Al Gore would be proud of you reducing your carbon footprint.

14. Is your rocket car out of fuel? Hobo blood will come through in a pinch. Though you won't get quite as good of mileage, it should be enough to get to the next available jet fuel station.

15. Tired of the same old bowl of cereal for breakfast every morning? Instead of milk, use hobo blood. It works especially well with any cereal that contains marshmallows.

16. Are you a teacher? Is the fear of a big, red "F" at the top of a project just not keeping kids in line anymore? Try drawing that same "F," but with the blood of a hobo. Little Johnny will fall right in line, guaranteed.

17. Use hobo blood instead of red food coloring in a variety of things, such as hummingbird food and red velvet cake! Deeelicious!

18. As we all know, hobos have no natural predators. This is why drinking hobo blood will make you invincible for ten seconds, like star power in Super Mario Brothers.

19. Since hobos by nature must endure both extremely hot and extremely cold temperatures, their circulatory system has evolved. For this reason, their blood functions perfectly as vehicle coolant.

20. Looking for the perfect gift for a special occasion? Look no further: hobo blood.

Part 2 will surface sometime next week.

JT out.

Monday, June 22, 2009


Onion News makes one question reality....

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


Turn Left!

I thought that I would actually write something for once instead of having one of my minions (Thanks, Fred!) do it or posting a video (once again, thanks, Fred!)

Most of you know, I'm a big beer and wine guy. One could even say I'm the wine manager at a store. One could also claim that I'm exceedingly handsome and witty.

Anyway, I get the chance to sample a lot of great wines. I am also given a lot of wines to bring home and sample, with the hopes that I will be extra generous with my opinion of said wine once I have consumed an entire bottle, and maybe buy an entire dump truck full of it, thus allowing the salesperson to retire somewhere tropical, like Canada, or maybe Oklahoma.

Here's what none of them realize: I do one of two things with these bottles. One, I drain them and fill them with the blood of hobos that I kill, which will be used in terrible dark rituals under the moon, or as a delicious secret ingredient in my barbecue sauce. Two, I put them in my wine rack, to be pulled out when my girlfriend asks if I remembered to get wine for dinner, and I can answer with a resounding "yes!"

Tonight, I called Melissa on her way home and asked her to pick up some cheap beer, because I was in the mood for cheap beer. I had been moving appliances and doing basic house maintenance involving duct tape, banging on things, and cursing at them when they wouldn't move. As we all know, this requires cheap beer.

If you're attempting to knock a doorknob off of a door with a wrench because the screws are stripped out and you have no other tools available, you need a beer such as PBR or High Life. As much as I love New Holland Sundog Amber, I would feel terrible drinking one at that point. Mainly because I usually end up throwing the beer at the doorknob, and I feel much better wasting a High Life. Also, Sundog only comes in bottles and the last thing I need is shattered glass all over the floor to create more problems.

Man, I got off track there. So, after agreeing to buy me beer, she asked if we had any chilled white wine available, as it is June in South Carolina, which means that sometimes you can actually mold the metal in your belt buckle into new shapes because it is so fucking hot outside. Seeing that we did not in fact have any chilled white wine available, I did the logical male thing and lied. Then I had to scramble through the house to find something to chill quickly. What did I wind up with?

Childress Vineyards Classic White Table Wine. I'm sure some of you are scratching your heads, thinking "Childress? Where to I know that name from?" Allow me to refresh your memory - they're a very well-known and successful racing family...and as we all know, if you're good at driving really fast and turning left, logic dictates that you also make excellent wines. Kind of like how rappers are also excellent architects.

Anyway, Melissa is not stupid (although she is living with me, so there may be some debate there,) and she realized that I had just thrown the first bottle of white wine into the fridge that I could find. Luckily, she's also very understanding (once again, she lives with me...) and decided to give it the old college try. She made an interesting face, and handed the glass to me. I also tried it, and made some sort of noncommittal noise. Not one to be deterred, she asked what I thought. The most polite thing I could think of?

"Mmmm.....I can almost taste the left turn in there."

JT out.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009



Thanks, Fred.

Thursday, June 04, 2009


So I'm a liar...

Didn't see either move...

Plan on seeing em asap...

But so far I'm a lying sack of shit.

Just thought you should know.

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