Tuesday, June 23, 2009


101 Uses for Hobo Blood

This will be a five-part post, consisting of twenty uses per post.

I've gotten so much positive feedback about my mentioning various uses for hobo blood, that I thought I would take a minute and enlighten all you crazy kids on this here interweb about what a versatile material hobo blood truly is, and why we should never take it for granted.

1. Hobo blood is an amazing secret ingredient in your homemade barbecue sauce. For an extra kick, try draining the blood of a hobo who has just gotten drunk off of cheap cherry wine.

2. Hobo blood is highly useful for painting the spare bedroom. It's thinned enough by the high alcohol content to cover a large surface area, and the evaporation rate of the alcohol also helps the paint dry. That's what we call a win-win, kids.

3. Hobo blood is fairly effective for use in dark midnight rituals. While not as effective as the blood of a virgin, who the hell knows where to find a virgin these days?

4. You know that thick black paint that athletes smudge under their eyes to help block the sun? Hobo blood is both cheaper and way more intimidating to the opposing team. Especially if they see you harvest it.

5. It's an excellent form of birth control. Try smearing some on your junk. Did you get any chicks to bang you? Didn't think so. Also, the various diseases you caught? It's gonna fall off soon, chief.

6. It's a natural agent for helping thin out the idiots from the population, also known as "natural selection." Don't believe me? See #5 above. If anyone tried it, well...

7. I think that we can all agree that, up until her very recent and very tragic death, Bea Arthur was a gorgeous woman. Know how she stayed so beautiful? Her nightly facial masks were composed entirely of hobo blood and caramel-flavored rice cakes.

8. We've all heard of Colonel Sander's "eleven secret herbs and spices." While I do not purport that one of them is hobo blood, I do believe that if it was "twelve secret herbs and spices," ol' number twelve would be hobo blood.

9. Having trouble sleeping? Add a drop or two of hobo blood to some chamomile tea. It intensifies the sleep-inducing effects of the tea, although it may cause some truly bizarre dreams.

10. Looking to really kick it up a notch at your next party? Instead of using boring old ice cubes, use "party ice." These are ice cubes composed of 50% hobo blood, 25% club soda, and 25% ditchwater taken from a dead hobo's shoe. Deeeeeelicious! (I have to thank Noah for giving me the jumping off point on this one.)

11. Old Greg occasionally uses it to flavor his Bailey's.

12. When camping, keep large bags of hobo blood hanging from the trees surrounding you campsite. The mosquitoes will be attracted to the bags of blood instead of you. Potential downside: may attract bears also. Just in case, keep some beets around also. Fact: Bears eat beets.

13. Add a couple of drops of hobo blood to the fog machine to create red fog. Cheaper and more energy efficient than buying red light bulbs. Al Gore would be proud of you reducing your carbon footprint.

14. Is your rocket car out of fuel? Hobo blood will come through in a pinch. Though you won't get quite as good of mileage, it should be enough to get to the next available jet fuel station.

15. Tired of the same old bowl of cereal for breakfast every morning? Instead of milk, use hobo blood. It works especially well with any cereal that contains marshmallows.

16. Are you a teacher? Is the fear of a big, red "F" at the top of a project just not keeping kids in line anymore? Try drawing that same "F," but with the blood of a hobo. Little Johnny will fall right in line, guaranteed.

17. Use hobo blood instead of red food coloring in a variety of things, such as hummingbird food and red velvet cake! Deeelicious!

18. As we all know, hobos have no natural predators. This is why drinking hobo blood will make you invincible for ten seconds, like star power in Super Mario Brothers.

19. Since hobos by nature must endure both extremely hot and extremely cold temperatures, their circulatory system has evolved. For this reason, their blood functions perfectly as vehicle coolant.

20. Looking for the perfect gift for a special occasion? Look no further: hobo blood.

Part 2 will surface sometime next week.

JT out.

Betcha Didn't Know...McDonald's was onto hobo blood long before your little post here. Yep, the strawberry sundae? Actually made with hobo blood. The particulates found within the red "strawberry" flavoring are just clotted blood, sometimes really clotted, I'm talked like super clotted, into tight little seeds. It is particularly sweet thus it is an ideal ice cream topping, see #1.
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