Sunday, April 23, 2006


Ice cream trucks

This is short and random, but it's important (not really). When I grew up (or more specifically, where I grew up,) there were no ice cream trucks making the rounds. I lived way outside of town in a sparsely populated area. I'm telling you this because I have very little experience with ice cream trucks, but the one in my neighborhood now is odd. How is it odd, you ask?

Well, let me tell you. As I've said, my experience is limited, but I would assume that these trucks would play upbeat children's music to attract customers. Maybe Jimmy Cracked Corn, Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, or The Thong Song. Not the case with this one. It's playing Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. I know this because I had to play it in a piano recital when I was younger. What kind of customers is this guy trying to attract? Is his ice cream poison? For those of you unfamiliar with the song, it's slow and somewhat gloomy. Not exactly the song that conjures up the idea of summertime fun. More of graveyards on a cold moonless night. And you have tuberculosis.

Saturday, April 22, 2006



I know that it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I could come up with plenty of great excuses. In fact, I think I will.
  • I’ve been traveling a lot for work.
  • Between getting the house ready to put up for sale and working all day, I’m too tired at night.
  • I had to have a rare hand-removal surgery done, making me unable to type (I got better)
  • I was kidnapped by Venezuelan thugs

    But the truth is, I’ve just been lazy. Also, I know that most of my posts have been life stories rather than the rants and observations I started out with. Sorry about that. I just felt the need to reinforce in everyone’s mind that I’m borderline retarded.

    I was watching TV this morning, and noticed something. Since cell phones aren’t nearly annoying, distracting and dangerous enough, some jackass decided that they should now also function as a jukebox. Now, when some teenage girl rear ends you (that sounds kind of hot) at a stoplight, it can be because she was yapping on her phone while also dancing. Awesome.

    Not annoyed enough by people answering their phones when you’re eating in a nice restaurant or at the movie theater? No worries! Now you can also listen to My Humps while dining on lobster tail and filet mignon. Thank God.

    I suspect that the genius behind this idea must be related to the genius that invented those hot air hand dryers in bathrooms. You know, the ones that don’t actually dry your hands at all? I especially like how they are supposed to be “environmentally friendly.” Can anyone explain to me how something that uses electricity, which is generated by burning fossil fuels, a non-renewable resource, is more green and crunchy than using two paper towels that come from trees that we can grow more of? Especially since, to actually dry your hands with that damn contraption (that sounds like something an angry old man would say,) you would have to keep running it for 94 consecutive minutes? I’m going to go take a nap.

  • Tuesday, April 04, 2006


    Spring forward, fall back.

    I hate daylight savings time. Actually, to be more accurate, I prefer it to standard time, I just hate the transition. Sure, maybe I could make it easier by remembering to set all of my clocks at the same time, but that would make sense. I prefer to set the clocks one at a time as it occurs to me, usually when I just happen to be standing near them. That way, instead of spending eight minutes setting my two watches and the three clocks that I own that don’t set themselves automatically, I can drive myself insane for the better part of two weeks by not being sure which clock is correct. Add to that the fact that half of the time when I get home from work all of the clocks are flashing anyway because my power company has the reliability of a drunken amnesiac, and you have pure, unadulterated bedlam.

    Honestly, if my cell phone and cable box didn’t update the time automatically, I would have forgotten about the time shift entirely (although “time shift” sounds more like a sci-fi term. To the Delorean!). As it was, I still forgot to change my alarm clock, but due to the aforementioned reliability of my power company, I always have a backup alarm set on my cell phone anyway. I doubt I need to tell you how much I enjoy paying my power bill each month (it’s almost as much as I enjoy poking myself in the eye with a red hot fork). To be honest, I don’t enjoy paying any of my bills, but I don’t really resent paying for services rendered properly. Some people would refuse to pay the bill until problems were fixed, but then my power would be cut off and my beer would get warm. Wow, did I get off topic. Did I mention that not setting my clocks correctly sometimes results in me losing sleep due to staying up too late by accident? That makes me smarter.

    Just to add to the confusion, I’m going to spend the first week of daylight savings time on the west coast this year, meaning my time will be completely off kilter for an additional week, assuming that I have any clue what time my flights actually leave.

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