Saturday, October 31, 2009
That is all.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Halloween Week, Day Five
Have fun tomorrow night, and be safe!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Halloween Week, Day Four
Keep up the costume suggestions, winner announced tomorrow!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Halloween Week, Day Three
All bitching aside, it's a pretty cool song and video.
Don't forget to submit your costume ideas in the comments section below, no winners yet!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Halloween Week, Day Two
I hope you shared the same mix of puzlement and enjoyment I did.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Halloween Week, Day One
Now, without further ado...
What can I say? I love Jonathan Coulton, I love World of Warcraft...
Don't forget to keep bringing the costume suggestions!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Costume Search 2k9
Regardless, Halloween is fast approaching, and I have yet to stumble upon that "YES!" factor when considering costume ideas. Part of the reason is that I'm not sure which city, and therefore which party I will be attending, and part of it is that I just don't have the time to worry about it too much. However, I feel that I have to at least equal, if not surpass, the complete badassery of past years' costumes. This is where you, gentle reader, come into play. I'm looking for an awesome idea from one of you out there in interweb land.
Here are some guidelines:
- Cost is a factor. After taking a complete bath on the sale of my house (who the hell would have expected to write a gigantic check to sell a house???) my funds are a touch limited this year.
- No duplications of previous years, which include Blanche from The Golden Girls, a hippie when Melissa dressed as a cop and we went as "Phish and CHiPs," and my most scandalous Catwoman costume last year, in which I wrapped most of my body in bondage tape and teetered around drunkenly in Melissa's high-heeled black leather boots all night.
- No "ripped from the headlines" pop culture. In fact, I will go so far as to state in a public forum that if I see anyone dressed as either Jon or Kate Gosselin, I will punch them in their junk, whether that be a scrotum or ovaries. Looking at the front cover of People Stars Weekly OK! and making that your costume is not creative or funny. Me wearing a hat and claiming my costume is "JT with a Hat" is more clever.
- I'm not afraid to crossdress, as evidenced by my Blanche and Catwoman costumes, although I don't want to be typecast as that crossdressing Halloween guy either.
- While I won't rule out nudity, is has to be integral to the costume, and not just gratuitous so you people can drool over my magnificent man-junk. Sinners.
- If I pick anyone's costume idea, I will send them a $84 gift certificate to the Sizzler.*
There they are, your rules and regulations. Do your worst...or rather your best. Your worst would be "JT in a Hat." Leave your suggestions in the comments section here on Spork Nation.
*No, I won't.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Thank You, Come Again...
- You inform your buddy that "this vodka is legit"
- You spend most of your time in the store on the phone arguing with what I can only assume is an angry girlfriend about who you hung out with after the game last Friday.
- You do not know the difference between rum and vodka.
- You are waiting on "a friend" to meet you because you can't remember what he wants.
- You get angry when I ask for ID, and call me "bro."
- and, finally, you are wearing a high school letterman's jacket.
All from the same guy, all just now.
Friday, October 09, 2009
101 Uses for Hobo Blood, Part II
Now, without further ado, uses 21-30 for hobo blood.
21. Not getting enough nutrients on a daily basis? Add a liberal dose of hobo blood to your morning coffee. It's part of a nutritional breakfast.
22. As we all know, Halloween is right around the corner. An always-popular choice of costumes is Stephen King's "Carrie," doused in pig blood. But let's be honest, it's a down economy, and pig blood is expensive. You know what is free? Hobo blood. I challenge you all to discern between the two. Well, except one of them smells like cheap gin more than the other. Stupid drunk pigs.
23. Ever have some pesky Honor Roll Student put some lame bumper sticker on your sweet ride? Then you try to peel it off and it leaves that gummy residue? Hobo blood is a cheap, safe, environmentally friendly alternative to those commercial cleaning products to remove sticky residue. Also, it's safe to use on the paint job of that 1993 Camaro. Look out ladies, we're back on the prowl!
24. Out of gazpacho, and your hipster friends are coming over for a dinner party? Serve chilled hobo blood instead. No one will know the difference.
25. Every few years, Crayola has a contest for the next new color of crayon. My friend, colleague, and esteemed philanthropist, the legendary Mike T! has suggested that not only should it be "Hobo Blood," it should also be manufactured using a certain percentage of the actual product. Parents, this is one crayon you definitely do not want your kids to eat.
26. Speaking of incorporating hobo blood into waxy substances, I'm going to contact the distillers of Maker's Mark and ask that they release a special Halloween edition bottle incorporating hobo blood in to the wax seal on the bottle.
27. Melissa and I were recently looking for a new place to live. One of the places we looked at was next to a house in which the owner had passed away an hour earlier. In addition to not really liking the house, Melissa was somewhat concerned that the recently deceased elderly lady from next door would haunt the house. I reassured her that it was a simple fix: anoint all windows, doors, and other access points such as air ducts with hobo blood. The angry hobo spirit will easily keep the kindly old woman's spirit at bay. The downside? Angry hobo poltergeist.
28. As most of you know, I have worked in the alcohol industry for quite a while now, first as a sales rep, and now as the manager of a liquor store. One thing that will never cease to amaze me is the amount of new products I am introduced to every week. Root beer flavored vodka, pumpkin spice schnapps, apple-flavored gin...so it logically follow that the next big craze will be a hobo-blood infused cream liqueur. I was thinking of calling it "Hobo Cream," but that just doesn't sound right...
29. It's been raining a lot lately, and nothing is worse than having a rain jacket, tent, or umbrella with a small leak. Apply a dab of hobo blood to the selected area and it will seal it right up. Not safe for use on rayon-based materials.
30. While we're talking about weather-related uses, winter is right around the corner. While we rarely see snow in the midlands of South Carolina, I know a lot of you do. Here's a helpful tip: keep a pint or two of hobo blood in your car for when you get stuck in deep snow. Pouring the hobo blood around the areas where your tires are spinning will quickly melt the snow, exposing the solid ground beneath, allowing you to go on your merry way.
Well, that's it fro uses 21 to 30. Be on the lookout for 31 to 40 coming soon!
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Some of my newer readers may be unaware of my affiliation with the CDP. Allow me to provide a brief background, and then we'll proceed to the nudity. Slightly less than two years ago, the CDP, a musician, acclaimed humanitarian, leading researcher in Bomb Pop technology, and fellow blogger achieved a dream: he wrote and published a book of essays, entitled 65 Poor Life Decisions. I, being the consummate kiss-ass, immediately purchased said book, read it in less than a day, translated it into Japanese, translated it back, and re-published it under the new title Jimmy James: Macho Business Donkey Wrestler. No...wait, that was an episode of NewsRadio, one of the greatest television shows of all time. My mistake. Man! What a great show...watching reruns makes me really miss Phil Hartman...but I digress.
What I actually did was purchase the book and sleep in front of my mailbox until it arrived. Upon completion, I wrote and published a review here on Spork Nation. Here is where it gets tricky: the FTC has issued a ruling stating that all bloggers who are paid to write reviews of products, either in cold, hard, American currency or through the receiving of free goods, must disclose this...so I have to come clean. Although it was almost two years ago, I feel I must do this to maintain my reputation as a stand up guy.
The CDP paid me for my review. He showed up on my front porch one night, drunk, dressed as a pirate, with a wheelbarrow filled to the brim with Italian Lira. After some tense negotiations, we agreed that I would write a glowing review in exchange for the Lira, an old peppermint candy that was stuck to his shoe, and the right to name his firstborn son "Roscoe." It was not until much later that I realized that a wheelbarrow full of Italian Lira won't even let me purchase anything from Taco Bell.
So, there it is, my shame laid bare for you all to see. I hope that, one day, you can forgive me dear readers.
What does the future hold for Spork Nation?