Wednesday, October 07, 2009


Full Disclosure.

I'm not sure if anyone reads this anymore, since I keep pulling my "I'm, no, I am not." routine. On the off chance that one of my literally tens of devoted fans is still out there, here goes nothing. I am dusting off my typing fingers and performing some light stretching so I don't cramp up mid-post. I also have a full cup of coffee, liberally dosed with hobo blood for nutrients.

Some of my newer readers may be unaware of my affiliation with the CDP. Allow me to provide a brief background, and then we'll proceed to the nudity. Slightly less than two years ago, the CDP, a musician, acclaimed humanitarian, leading researcher in Bomb Pop technology, and fellow blogger achieved a dream: he wrote and published a book of essays, entitled 65 Poor Life Decisions. I, being the consummate kiss-ass, immediately purchased said book, read it in less than a day, translated it into Japanese, translated it back, and re-published it under the new title Jimmy James: Macho Business Donkey Wrestler. No...wait, that was an episode of NewsRadio, one of the greatest television shows of all time. My mistake. Man! What a great show...watching reruns makes me really miss Phil Hartman...but I digress.

What I actually did was purchase the book and sleep in front of my mailbox until it arrived. Upon completion, I wrote and published a review here on Spork Nation. Here is where it gets tricky: the FTC has issued a ruling stating that all bloggers who are paid to write reviews of products, either in cold, hard, American currency or through the receiving of free goods, must disclose I have to come clean. Although it was almost two years ago, I feel I must do this to maintain my reputation as a stand up guy.

The CDP paid me for my review. He showed up on my front porch one night, drunk, dressed as a pirate, with a wheelbarrow filled to the brim with Italian Lira. After some tense negotiations, we agreed that I would write a glowing review in exchange for the Lira, an old peppermint candy that was stuck to his shoe, and the right to name his firstborn son "Roscoe." It was not until much later that I realized that a wheelbarrow full of Italian Lira won't even let me purchase anything from Taco Bell.

So, there it is, my shame laid bare for you all to see. I hope that, one day, you can forgive me dear readers.

What does the future hold for Spork Nation?

Essays on:
  • My Epic Beard Growing Adventures
  • Selling my House and Losing my Ass on it
  • A Delicious Pumpkin Soup Recipe

    JT out.

  • Comments:
    Shit. I knew this would see the light of day eventually, I just didn't think it would be today. Still have any of that Lira left?

    I'm just glad your back. And yeah, NewsRadio was probably the most underrated sitcom of all-time.
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