Tuesday, March 25, 2008


Justice was Served...the Pizza was not.

Yeah, so I'm 3 days late on posting. Screw my schedule I set forth, I'm too busy with my day job and life in general to stick to it. I wish I could keep it up, I love writing and the somewhat-loyal following that I have, I just never slow down. If I try to adhere to a strict schedule, I'll just churn out shit for posts, and no one wants that. I will commit to posting as often as possible, but if my hectic schedule gets any crazier, we may see a Spork Nation hiatus. That being said, I present a Cops-style The Idiot Speaks. Following is the story of how I assisted in apprehending a felon, plus a bonus interview with some of those responsible for the sting operation.

Someone had been writing stolen checks all over 5 Points (the downtown, college area of Columbia.) This guy was good. He had a matching ID that was convincing, and was congenial to everyone who served him. He did not stand out as suspicious at all. Unfortunately for him, he tried his luck one too many times. When he called in his pick up order, Mo recognized his name and order (he had routinely been ordering two large Village Specials.) He relayed the information to Brian, who proceeded to call Columbia's Finest to come pick the guy up.

Instantly, the barstaff is geared up. It's been a slow night, and this situation screams excitement. My designated role is to stall the guy while the cop gets in place, make sure he hands me the check, and asks for change back. Presumably, the only other step is for the cop to nab the perp. Easy enough, right? Clearly you have never had experience with City of Columbia cops. To borrow from popular vernacular, they could fuck up a wet dream (I think I should receive some type of award for using "vernacular" and "wet dream" in the same sentence.)

Here's how this all went down: the cop, whom Brian specifically told to park around the corner and come up the back steps, decides to saunter in the front door. We feel certain that the guy saw the cop walk in and was clued in, as he is taking close to an hour to get his food. Luckily, this is not so, he's just taking his sweet time. He comes in, I ask his name, verify his order, and tell him his total. Not surprisingly, he wants to know why his food is not ready yet, as it has been an hour. I sheepishly tell him that I lost track of time, burned his order, and had to remake it. Brian walks into the kitchen, peeks in the oven as if he's checking on the food, tells me it's almost ready, and pulls out two pizza boxes to prop open on the counter.

In reality, he's waiting to see the guy hand me the check so he can signal the cop. The guy hands me the check, which is made out for $60.00 on a $28.00 order, and tells me he needs change, but $5.00 of it is a tip for Mo. To buy time, I ring in the check extra slowly (not really. I have no idea how to process a check payment in our system, since the last person who wrote a check for a pick up food order was Abraham Lincoln.) I guess my way through it, open the drawer to get the change, and this is where it starts to get interesting. You see, our kitchen is basically horseshoe-shaped. Instead of using one of the side walls as cover, and creeping up beside the guy, the cop chose to walk plainly into view in the kitchen, and, I shit you not, say "Sir, I need to speak with you." Now, I'm not a trained law enforcement professional, and neither are most of you, but I think we could all see what was about to happen: the dude straight-up bolted. I bet he set some sort of land-speed record.

The cop, of course, was walled-in. He had to go out the back of the kitchen, run down a hall, and try to catch the guy. Luckily for him, Brian and Robert (one of our delivery guys) had anticipated this and ran him down before he got out the door. Unfortunately, Charly, our bartender's girlfriend, got in the way and was bulldozed. She's fine, she was just a bit dazed.

Jimmy, one of our regulars made the following observation: Five people involved in a fight, and the trained professional with the billy club, taser, and gun is the last one on the scene. Nice.

Of course, after all was said and done, Brian and Robert got a standing ovation from the bar, Mo wanted to know if he still got his five dollar tip, and crime-fighting nicknames were assigned. Brian is now know as Bri-nosaurus-Rex, and Robert (who makes his deliveries on a moped) is known as Scooter Boy Wonder. His moped has been deemed the Scooter of Justice. Robert, after the incident, wound up sitting down at the bar with two very attractive blondes, who bought him drinks. He left with them, and I haven't seen him since, but I have a feeling he had a good night. Shortly after that, the Cap'n came up to the bar, and promptly decided he needed a crime-fighting nickname as well. He is now known as the Drunken Dandy.

I decided I would conduct an interview with Bri-nosaurus-Rex about the experience. The Drunken Dandy insisted on adding his input.

JT: So, Bri, where did you first acquire your crime fighting skills?
Bri: Man, I have to give a shout out to my friend Andy Angus. He had the Sega Genesis that my family was too poor to have. I credit my take down to going old-school and using the hundred-hand slap I learned from E. Honda.
JT: So, Bri, since you set this whole thing up, would you say you're the brains of the operation.
Bri: Scarily enough, I guess I am.
JT: What does that make Robert?
Bri: The speedy sidekick?
JT: Wait...does that mean that Cap'n is the looker?
Bri: Yeah, I guess Cap'n is the face man.
JT: Damn.
Bri: Yeah. Hey, can I give a shout-out real quick?
JT: Of course.
Bri: I want to give a shout-out to Mo, my strong black brother. Also, to Siena's cheerleaders for being butt ugly and making me angry enough to take that guy down.
At this point, Cap'n drunkely tries to interject something.
Bri: Shut up, I'm being quoted, you dickface.
JT: Well, Bri, I guess that about wraps this up. Anything else you want to say?
Bri: Yeah. If Drew didn't have that metal thing sticking out of his face, he wouldn't be so gay.
JT: Fair enough.

Then we proceeded to sit up at the bar, reliving the experience, and insulting Drew's new eyebrow piercing. All in all, a good night.

JT out.

Friday, March 21, 2008


Bright Shiny and New...

is what Monday will bring. I have loads of pictures, video footage, and content, I just lack time and pants.

Stay tuned, I have pictures of the beard-dyeing party, a stunt involving mayonnaise, and the elusive Jim Rome sex tape.

Enjoy the weekend!


Friday, March 14, 2008


Random Friday

Oke-le-dokely, kids. It's Friday, and I think we all know what that means - free shrimp at Captain D's! Actually, that means I'm going to throw together a post full of random links, YouTube videos, and Danny Devito nipple-slip pictures and pass it off as original content! Hooray!

First off, Ben over at Killer Sandbox Productions has a pitch entered in Avid's "Perfect Pitch" contest. I think it sounds promising, he just needs the votes to get it turned into an actual production. Head on over, check it out, and vote.

Also, I've been meaning to welcome Caveman to my Axis of Allies list in the sidebar. Go check him out, I'll wait here. Caveman, make with the funny.

Looking to waste time at work? Well, you better not, damnit all. Working hard is what made this country great! People who waste valuable work hours and un-American, fascist pig-dogs! Still, I stumbled across this new blog the other day, and it has some great links to flash games and is pretty interesting.

Want to be kind of freaked out, but not really, and you're embarrassed that you're being such a little cry-baby bitch? Check this out. Be sure to watch the video. (Thanks to Ben over at Killer Sandbox Productions for that one)

Final link, this is my product endorsement of the week.

In the spirit of basketball season, and how much I hate Duke...

***Due to language, this video is NSFW.***

Gamecock Fan? Yeah, so was Hitler. Look how well that turned out.

Last, but not least, the Hitler Rap. Offensive? Maybe. Hilarious? Yup.

Damn. I just noticed that all three videos feature Hitler. Does that make me anti-Semitic? Because I'm not...I just have a sick sense of humor. Enjoy the weekend, kids. I'll be back Monday with a bright, shiny new edition of The Idiot Speaks and possibly some pictures of the general debauchery from the St. Patrick's Day Festival this weekend.

JT out.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


I'm as Confused as You are...

I had one of the most bizarre dreams I've ever had last night, which is odd considering that at the ripe old age of 28 pushing 29, I've slept for over 10,402 nights. Sure, I may have had stranger dreams, but I don't remember them.

It started out normally enough, I was getting ready for work. The first thing I did was to shave my beard into a goatee, which is always a bad idea, because I look like a retard with a goatee. Especially this time, because I accidentally shaved half of it off. For some reason, I chose to leave it that way. When I went to get dressed, there was a slight problem. Unfortunately, the only clean thing in my closet (actually, the only thing) was my tuxedo. Keep in mind, I do not actually own a tuxedo. Nor do I get dressed for work, which leads to an awful lot of indecent exposure tickets.

Upon heading to work, I found myself at a hotel, where, naturally, the prom was going on. What 28 year old man does not regularly go to the prom? Suddenly, I also had long hair again, and my date was Joye, a close friend of mine I've known since I was twelve or thirteen. We were sitting at a table with two other friends of mine, Christy and Allison. Suddenly, Joye pulled out her laptop and showed me that she had pictures of me nude from the time we went to her little sister's fashion show, got drunk, and went skinny dipping. I should note here that, in reality, Joye does not have a little sister, we have never been to a fashion show together, nor have we been skinny dipping or otherwise seen each other naked. We have, however, gotten drunk together, maybe twice (and by twice, I mean hundreds upon hundreds of times.)

She proceeded to tell me that, unless I helped her rob a bank, she would show the pictures to Melissa as proof that she and I were having an affair. My obvious reaction? I informed her it was time to get our pictures taken, so we walked outside, where we were handed shots of chocolate milk, and climbed into the back of a delivery truck, driven by Tunkey,the homeless man who cleans Dr. Rocco's (a bar in 5 Points). My friend Barry, a former bartender at the Village Idiot, was already in the truck, dancing. He was dancing too close to a stack of glass bottles, and knocked them over, breaking them all, so we had to get into another truck and drive to...well, I don't know.

At this point my alarm clock went off. Imagine my surprise when I rolled over, and found that I was sharing a bed with...Eric Estrada!

No, actually, I realized that I was in bed with Melissa, it was awfully dark outside, and that wasn't my alarm clock, but some new system of school bus that simultaneously emits short beeps of its horn and flashes strobe lights when it stops. I wish I was kidding. Stupid school bus, waking me up a full twenty minutes before my alarm, and now I'll never know if Joye and I successfully pulled of the bank heist, or if Joye leaked my nude pictures over the Internet to make me an overnight phenomenon.

Maybe tonight, the dreams will continue, but for now, I have to assume that this on was caused by one of two things: the stupidly large amount of hot peppers and spicy foods I consumed yesterday, or the seven bottles of Robitussin I drank before bed.

JT out.

Monday, March 10, 2008


The Idiot Speaks

Sorry this wasn't posted this morning. Blogger would not let me post for some reason.

Ah, finally, a fully formed edition of The Idiot Speaks. Sorry it's been a while, I've been busy, and I was also kidnapped and locked in a trunk by an unruly mob of drunk Swiss watchmakers. Long story, but it has a happy ending. I only lost the tip of my left thumb, and they got better holiday pay.

I had thought that the Cap'n leaving the Idiot would cut down on my material, but that drunk asshole keeps showing up, sometimes to cover a shift, sometimes just to stand there drunkenly and mumble incoherent things at us while we work. Six of one, half dozen of the other, really.

The following is actually one of the last things I heard over the weekend, but definitely the funniest. We're preparing for Columbia's big St. Patrick's Day Festival, and I'm one of the opening cooks.

JT: Hey Bri, I'm going to go ahead and warn you - I'm going to be really hungover for my opening shift next Saturday.
Bri: Just as long as you're not as bad off as Mo was last year, we'll be fine.
JT: Nah, I do some of my best work here hungover.
Bri: True.
Mo: Man, I wasn't that bad.
Bri: You only worked for three hours and then went home!
At this point, Mo goes to the computer and pulls up last year's time records.
Mo: Man, I was here for almost seven hours!
Bri: Yeah, but you spent the first four in the back alley sleeping and puking.
Mo: Yeah, I learned an important lesson that day. Me and brown liquor don't mix, which is odd since I'm brown.

We're also going to have an outdoor pizza and beer tent, so Brian was busily cleaning up an old cash register when I got in last night. After about thirty minutes of wiping it down, scrubbing it, and generally just de-funking it, he went upstairs to print out an instruction manual from the Internet. About twenty minutes later he came back don, holding a sheaf of papers approximately the same thickness as a phone book, or a list of countries that our current administration has alienated. So, after around an hour of work and waiting, he plugged in the cash register to program it. It proceeded to emit a series of beeps, and would not respond to anything he did.

Bri: Fuck. Would someone remind me next year to plug in and test the cash registers before I spend an hour cleaning them?

This is not an actual conversation, but it should be noted that Drew and the Nuge got drunk and gave each other mohawk haircuts a few weeks back. Then, last weekend, they went together and got piercings (Drew got his eyebrow pierced, Nuge got some wacky ear cartilage thing.) Now, I'm not saying they're on the down-low, I'm just saying that if they get a tandem bike or roller blades, well...

I kid, I kid. I love those two guys (platonically.) They're just fun to pick on.

Eric, one of the delivery drivers (not to be confused with E-Rock, one of the managers,) has a fun game he likes to play with people who piss him off on the phone. At the end, when they give him the credit card number and he punches it in, he'll tell them that their card is showing up as stolen and he is required by law to report it to the police. It tends to freak them out a bit, and then he tells them he's just kidding. On those nights, he is my hero.

Saturday morning, I had a really, really, terribly bad hangover. It wasn't that I felt terrible, it was that my brain was functioning on the same level as your average crack head who also happens to be mentally handicapped. E-Rock had a lot of fun laughing at me as I aimlessly wandered around the kitchen, trying to figure out why I had the scarper in my hand and what I had planned on doing with it. I was also having trouble remembering words such as "lettuce," and "box."

JT: Man, I don't think I'm drinking again until St. Patrick's Day.
E-Rock: Bullshit. You said that last weekend.
JT: Oh yeah.

Have a great week, I'm sure next week's edition will be incredible due to the St. Patrick's Day weekend.

JT out.

Friday, March 07, 2008



I meant to have my latest stunt recorded, edited and ready to post today. Instead, I had a nice dinner last night, designed flyers for an upcoming beer special at the Idiot, and went to bed.

However, when I stumbled over to the CDP all bleary-eyed and half awake (it's not even 6:30 AM. I neverget up this early.,) I found something truly worth linking to. I think that most of us have been through something like this in our lives. Go take a gander, take a minute to say hello, and come back Monday for a new edition of The Idiot Speaks.

Have a great weekend, kids.

JT out.

Thursday, March 06, 2008


Please forward!

-----Original Message-----
From: Remi Martin (remi5284@yahoo.con)
To: (bbaggins@aol.con); Rhett Butler (RhettB2001@yahoo.con); Joe Collins (collinsj03@aol.con); Tiny Dancer (tdancer@msn.con);
Sent: Tue, 4 Mar 2008 10:46 am
Subject: Fwd: This is really interesting


Note: forwarded message attached.

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.
Attached Message
From:Sweeney Todd (Stodd@lycos.con)
To:(skippyskank909@aol.con), (floranauna62@hotmail.con), (kimbo94621@yahoo.con), (raekwondachef@juno.con), (browneyedgirl792@winchester.edr), (bigbill14@lycos.con),
Subject:FW: AMAZING FACTS.(an oldie)
Date:Tue, 4 Mar 2008 10:38:46 -0500

FLAVOR00-NONE-0000-0000-000000000000 ;

Sweeney Todd
Todd's Barber Supply
Demon Barber

From: kittenlover666@aol.con
Sent: Tuesday, March 04, 2008 10:34 AM
To: Sweeney Todd (Stodd@lycos.con)
Subject: FW: AMAZING FACTS.(an oldie)

Jilly Bean

From: Lee, Amanda L
Sent: Monday, March 03, 2008 2:48 PM
To: Sears, Carl G; Lee, Neda M
Subject: FW: AMAZING FACTS.(an oldie)

This is CRAZY!!!!!!

Did you know that recently, according to several reliable news sources, Fox News included, the ghost of Chester A. Arthur appeared before hundreds in a Des Moines, Iowa Huddle House, to proclaim that Democrats hate children and freedom? He also spoke out against gay marriage, citing several Bible verses.

It's true. A lot of people have forgotten, but at the Democratic National Convention in 1994, it was found that they were eating a stew made from orphans while singing songs by John Lennon, who we all know once proclaimed that the Beatles were responsible for crucifying Jesus.

So I say, support our children, our freedom, and our colors that don't run by voting straight party Republican in every election, every time, even if that Republican is deceased or a sex offender, or both.

Fun Facts!

Jell-o was invented by a British scientist, who was actually attempting to recreate cold fusion (whatever THAT is!!!!). What a delicious, low-calorie mistake!!! HAHA :)

23% of all people think that toilet paper is made from the skin of weasels! (EWWWW!!! ReaLLy?)

Famed Musician Herb Albert got his start as a mime in a traveling circus.

The Smurfs were originally supposed to be red and angry, but a mistake in the coloring process and the speed at which the voices were recorded accidentally created the little blue creatures we came to love as children! The lost pilot episodes actually feature Papa Smurf dropping the "f-bomb" on Brainy for being a know-it-all! Look it up on YouTube!

How Weird!

In Nebraska, it is illegal for a man to bathe in the same bathtub that was previously used by a woman, unless it is blessed by an Orthodox Jewish Rabbi first.

A law on the books in South Carolina states that moonshine is illegal unless it is cherry-flavored and sealed in an old coffee tin.

Voters in Flint, Michigan, once accidentally elected a tamed shrew to Congress due to a typo and mass illiteracy!

March 3rd was declared "Funky Pants Day" Arizona in 1921. People not observing the holiday are subject to stiff fines, and in some cases, arrest.

1 out of every 19 mirrors produces an actually image of you, not a reflection! (I know this is true because my cousin's mom's ex-fiancee's stepson works in a hotel, and he went from room to room and found THREE in his hotel.)

If you don't send this to twenty people that have made you giggle in the last month, then God will smite you with syphilis and make your fingernails turn black, like one of those creepy goth kids who worship Satan and have unprotected sex all the time.

Also, if you don't forward this, it means that you hate Jesus and want all of our brave troops to turn into dress-wearing queers. WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA?

JT out.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008



Due to an untimely power outage and internet problems, Wednesday's post will go up late today or tomorrow.

Stupid weather.

JT out.

Monday, March 03, 2008


The Idiot Speaks

Low on material this week, I only put in about 10 hours at The Idiot last week. In addition to that, the Cap'n is gone, and I haven't spent much time working with Brian, Drew or E-Rock. I'd say that those three account for a lot of my material.

However, since I put it out there that I was going to be more consistent, I'll post what I have.

Bri: Is this for here or to go?
Eric: Nah, it's delivery.
Bri: That may qualify as the dumbest thing I've hear all day.

Random Drunk Guy: Yeah, I'll have a house bourbon and coke, and a house Beam and coke.
Bri: Wait...so, do you want two house bourbon and cokes?
Random Drunk Guy: No, dude, one house bourbon and coke, and one house Beam and coke.
Bri: There is no such thing as house Beam. We have house bourbon, and we have Jim Beam.
Random Drunk Guy: Whatever, man, just make my drinks.

Aside from that, the dollar Carib night Friday went very well, we sold out around midnight.

Well, sorry for the short post, but it's something. Have a great Monday, and come on back Wednesday for more new material and naked pictures of Billy Ray Cyrus.

JT out.

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