Wednesday, March 12, 2008


I'm as Confused as You are...

I had one of the most bizarre dreams I've ever had last night, which is odd considering that at the ripe old age of 28 pushing 29, I've slept for over 10,402 nights. Sure, I may have had stranger dreams, but I don't remember them.

It started out normally enough, I was getting ready for work. The first thing I did was to shave my beard into a goatee, which is always a bad idea, because I look like a retard with a goatee. Especially this time, because I accidentally shaved half of it off. For some reason, I chose to leave it that way. When I went to get dressed, there was a slight problem. Unfortunately, the only clean thing in my closet (actually, the only thing) was my tuxedo. Keep in mind, I do not actually own a tuxedo. Nor do I get dressed for work, which leads to an awful lot of indecent exposure tickets.

Upon heading to work, I found myself at a hotel, where, naturally, the prom was going on. What 28 year old man does not regularly go to the prom? Suddenly, I also had long hair again, and my date was Joye, a close friend of mine I've known since I was twelve or thirteen. We were sitting at a table with two other friends of mine, Christy and Allison. Suddenly, Joye pulled out her laptop and showed me that she had pictures of me nude from the time we went to her little sister's fashion show, got drunk, and went skinny dipping. I should note here that, in reality, Joye does not have a little sister, we have never been to a fashion show together, nor have we been skinny dipping or otherwise seen each other naked. We have, however, gotten drunk together, maybe twice (and by twice, I mean hundreds upon hundreds of times.)

She proceeded to tell me that, unless I helped her rob a bank, she would show the pictures to Melissa as proof that she and I were having an affair. My obvious reaction? I informed her it was time to get our pictures taken, so we walked outside, where we were handed shots of chocolate milk, and climbed into the back of a delivery truck, driven by Tunkey,the homeless man who cleans Dr. Rocco's (a bar in 5 Points). My friend Barry, a former bartender at the Village Idiot, was already in the truck, dancing. He was dancing too close to a stack of glass bottles, and knocked them over, breaking them all, so we had to get into another truck and drive to...well, I don't know.

At this point my alarm clock went off. Imagine my surprise when I rolled over, and found that I was sharing a bed with...Eric Estrada!

No, actually, I realized that I was in bed with Melissa, it was awfully dark outside, and that wasn't my alarm clock, but some new system of school bus that simultaneously emits short beeps of its horn and flashes strobe lights when it stops. I wish I was kidding. Stupid school bus, waking me up a full twenty minutes before my alarm, and now I'll never know if Joye and I successfully pulled of the bank heist, or if Joye leaked my nude pictures over the Internet to make me an overnight phenomenon.

Maybe tonight, the dreams will continue, but for now, I have to assume that this on was caused by one of two things: the stupidly large amount of hot peppers and spicy foods I consumed yesterday, or the seven bottles of Robitussin I drank before bed.

JT out.

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