Friday, February 29, 2008


Happy Leap Year!

First of all, I want to wish everyone a Happy Leap Year Day. I encourage everyone to celebrate it by drinking irresponsibly. I'm kidding, of course (no, I'm not.)

So, how am I spending my Leap Year Day? Well, in a collision of two worlds, the Village Idiot is having a celebration tonight where Carib, one of the beers I represent, is being sold for a dollar per bottle, tax included. So, I will be up at the Idiot, hand selling Carib and encouraging people to ask for it and purchase it elsewhere. I wish I had some free stuff to give out, but I don't.

Other than that, I plan on making it an early night and leaving around ten so I can just relax...

...because starting Monday, I'm going to start going back to the gym, reorganize my house, life, and commit to a schedule for Spork Nation.

Mondays will be either The Idiot Speaks or a similar feature, Wednesdays will be a regular post, and Fridays will be some sort of review or link to another site.

Once a month, probably on Fridays, there will be some sort of stunt performed. There will also be holiday themed posts similar to the Valentine's Day one.

Leave me some feedback if you like the idea, hate the idea, have suggestions, or nude pictures of Jim Rome.

JT out.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008



I know that this type of post is getting to be more and more frequent, and I apologize. However, with the new demands of my job, and still working at the Village Idiot, I have not had a day in the last two weeks that I wasn't busy, and I won't have one until the end of March.

I'm not saying that I have zero free time, but the free time I have is rare, and I try to spend it with Melissa or catching up on necessary chores (laundry, grocery shopping, walking the dogs, etc.)

It's looking like I'm going to have to cut my time at the Idiot back to one or two shifts per week, and maybe leave altogether, which I would prefer not to do. In addition to the extra money, I usually enjoy my time there.

We'll see how it pans out. Until then, please be patient with me, I'll try to get back to regular posts soon.

I do actually have a plan and a rough schedule of how I'm going to start running Spork Nation...

JT out.

Friday, February 15, 2008


It's time...

Update: I know this has been up for almost a week, but it's staying here for 2 reasons.

1. Only 2 ideas have been proposed so far, and Bubba's idea was too close to one already done.

2. I'm in a time crunch with the two jobs this week. Back out the door to job numero dos as we sepak.

A lot of people have been mentioning that I haven't done any stupid stunts in a while, so I'm putting it out there: Leave your best ideas in the comments section, I'll pick a few of my favorites, and put it up to a vote.

I have the weekend off from the Village Idiot for the first time in about a year, which means two things:

1. No The Idiot Speaks on Monday.

2. I'll be living a somewhat normal life this weekend...well, for me anyway.

For old stunts, click here or here.

As always, the following rules apply:

1. I'm foolish, not suicidal. Nothing that could result in maiming and/or death.

2. Nothing that results in any permanent changes to my body, such as tattoos, piercings, or a sex change operation. Also, I'm scared to death of needles.

3. Nothing illegal. I'm too pretty to go to jail.

4. I won't say no nudity, but let's keep it tasteful. Nothing gratuitous just so you can get a peek at what I'm packing. Besides, I'll probably PhotoShop in those black "censored" boxes that Hard Copy is so fond of. (Is that show even still on TV?)

5. PBR should be involved.

Apparently, I am very fond of numbered lists this morning.

JT out.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008


Valentine's Day Tips from an Expert

Because if this guy can't get you laid...who can?

Well, it's that time of year again. The dangerous stretch between Groundhog Day and St. Patrick's Day (two of my favorite drinking holidays, by the way) when Valentine's Day occurs. Ah, Valentine's Day. One of the few days of the year when even the best-intentioned gesture can be horribly misinterpreted and ruin a relationship forever (the other days being her birthday, your anniversary, and any day, ever, when a man speaks out loud to a woman.) Have no fear, kids. Ol' Uncle JT is here to provide you with some tips to guaran-damn-tee that you'll be slipping in between those satin sheets with dirty thoughts on your mind and not bedding down on the couch for the night watching a Jean Claude Van Damme marathon on TBS.

Trust me, I'm an expert (this is a filthy lie.)

First, and foremost: her feelings come first. This should be easy, since, as men, we don't have feelings. And even if we do, we don't talk about them. Ever. Not even when your best friend dies by drowning in beer, and you're struck by how bittersweet and beautiful life can be at times. No sir, bottle that shit up, pronto. Then go build something with power tools to prove that you're heterosexual. Maybe a gun rack. Unless you're gay, in which case it's fine.

Secondly: show up with flowers, or, if she's allergic, some sort of colorful spinning bow tie. Why? Because everyone loves spinning bow ties. Only commies hate spinning bow ties. Anyway, back to the flowers. I don't care if she has said in the past that she's "not a flower type of girl," or "please, if I have to tell you to stop showing up at my house with flowers again, I'm calling the police." She doesn't mean it. It's a fact: chicks dig flowers.

Chocolate, on the other hand, can be touchy. She may feel that you're trying to sabotage her diet, or kill her, since she's allergic to nuts, you asshole, and these are chocolate covered nuts! Also, you may get hungry and open them up and eat most of them on the way to her house because, let's be honest, chocolate covered nuts are delicious.

Third: Spring for something out of the ordinary. Come on, fellas, she's put up with your sorry ass for this long, she deserves something for it. Take her out for a nice dinner, or maybe prepare some sort of picnic. Maybe let her Super Size her combo meal, or toss out the extra cash for one of those apple pies. She's a special lady and deserves to be treated like one, especially on Valentine's Day. Plus, everyone knows that if you let a chick Super Size her meal, she has to at least let you get to second base.

Fourth: Set the mood when you get home with the proper lighting and music. Now, I like strobe lights and Machinehead as much as the next guy, but this is not the proper occasion to plug in the fog machine. No sir, go for candles and some black guy with an extremely deep voice (for the music, not in person...unless you're into that kind of thing.) It could even be so deep that you can't understand a word he says. It doesn't matter. The deeper, the better (that's what she said. Zing!). If candles aren't an option because your mom doesn't let you use matches yet, wrap a small flashlight in tissue paper (I am making this up, I have no idea if it will work.)

Fifth: Ply her with booze. Here's a good trick: pretend that you've bought a really nice, expensive bottle of wine. In reality, you have an empty bottle that was once, a few years back, a fairly good bottle. Maybe you spent twenty bills on it. Now, a few years later, it's a 2002 vintage - you've been "saving it for just the right time." Just go to the store, buy any old bottle of two buck chuck, and funnel it into the "expensive" bottle. If she questions why the cork is already out of the bottle, explain that you opened it in advance to let the wine breathe and open up. Now, you also look like you've got wine knowledge. You're a Renaissance man. I can almost hear the clothing flying off from way over here. You're welcome.

If none of this does the trick for you, well, you're hopeless. Enjoy spending a night alone watching ET with your mom, playing Dungeons and Dragons in your basement with the creepy kid from next door with the lazy eye, or staring at this picture and letting your fantasies run wild.

Or, well, you can always "hire a date," if you know what I mean.

JT out.

Monday, February 11, 2008


The Idiot Speaks: Coming Out Edition

No, not coming out like that, you assbags. I mean that everyone at the Idiot is now aware that they are being written about. We'll see how this will affect this feature. Will everyone be more guarded around me, or will they go out of their way to do something outrageous to see themselves get more name recognition? I have my suspicions, but I'll keep them to myself for now.

It all started when I interviewed the Cap'n about his Paper-Rock-Scissors victory, and he liked it so much that he told everyone to go read it. I kind of like the fact that this is out in the open now, it will probably help remind everyone of new stories to share.

Since it was relatively quiet this week, I don't have a lot to add, especially since I already did my Cap'n Tribute post on Saturday.

So for now, I just want to say howdy to all of my cohorts from the Idiot. Drop me a line in the comments section so I can see how many of you are lurking out there, safe behind your computer screens, pantsless and drunk.

JT out.

Saturday, February 09, 2008


Son of a bitch.

Kids...there is no easy way to say this. The Cap'n, my partner in crime, my bosom buddy...he's leaving the Village Idiot. I don't know how to feel or what to say. He's been there through thick and thin, better and worse, for richer and poorer.

Nah, I'm just yanking your chain. The asshole is gone, what of it? We'll still get drunk together and do dumb shit. The Cap'n is my boy, yo. He's moving on to a better job, and who can fault him for it? Not this white boy. I would also like to give a quick word up to Jason, a buddy of mine from way back who helped him out with the job. Gracias, Senor Hulion. I owe you one. Feel free to call that one in whenever.

So I'm losing my number one partner in crime at the Idiot. That sucks. Other than Bri, the owner, Moses and E-Rock, managers, and Drew (aka the Wolf), the Cap'n was my boy. Nah, fuck that. The Cap'n and I were a team. We were assholes to the highest degree. I'll miss his pasty white ass. Best of luck to him.

God speed, good sir. You were the wind beneath my wings.

JT out.

Thursday, February 07, 2008


Random Disjointed Update

I know that my updates for the past month have been few and far between, and consisted primarily of The Idiot Speaks. I was making the transition from one job to the next, and the new job takes up a lot more of my time. Granted, it pays more and I enjoy it more, I just have less free time, especially when you take into account that I have a night job as well. I've been trying to juggle the schedules of both jobs, but in the end, the day job has to be my main focus, simply because that is where the bulk of my money comes from, and it's more along the lines of a career, whereas my job at the Village Idiot is simply that: a job. I love it, but let's be honest: I cannot live off of my Idiot wages. Well, I could, but then my life would suck.

Where am I going with this? Am I quitting the Village Idiot? Of course not. Then I would have to start paying for food and beer again. I'm merely cutting my hours down to 2 or 3 nights per week. As long as I can get a consistent schedule at night, I can plan my beer and wine tasting events for my day job around it. Now, on to the new job.

It rocks balls. Seriously. I thought I was happy at my last job selling wine, and I was. I just had no idea how much happier I could be selling wine and beer. Also, our liquor license should be finalized by the beginning of March, so soon I'll be a triple threat. It helps that I’m representing several of my favorite beers. I should probably also mention that I represent a malt liquor, which is surprisingly good. No, seriously, I'm not saying this as a salesman, I'm saying this as a beer guy. It's no Lion Stout or Yuengling, but it's not bad for what it is.

I think my parents wonder where they went wrong. I sell beer, wine and (soon) liquor by day, and work in a bar at night. Also, my little sister is a bartender. Why do their children’s’ lives revolve around alcohol? I’ll tell you why: because they are terrible parents. Just kidding, Mom! Haha! Dad, you and I need to talk, though. Zing! Kidding again, of course! In all honesty, it has a lot to do with the fact that I love beer, and I may have had some influence over my little sister at an early age. So, in a nutshell, old job = good, new job = better. I'm finally getting a more in-depth knowledge of my product portfolio, and we add new products weekly. It's exciting to me. I feel like I've gotten in on the ground floor of something that is going to be very big.

Now, on to other matters. Namely, the fact that I am officially a part of the Cap'n's entourage for City Finals here in Columbia for the Paper-Rock-Scissors tournament. If he wins this one, he goes to Vegas for a shot at Nationals and $100,000. This is why my job is so important: I'm the Head of Security. I keep him out of trouble and rough up anyone who gets too close to him. By that, I mean we drink together a lot...which is pretty much the opposite of keeping him out of trouble. I also judge any "non-sanctioned" matches that he is challenged to outside of the tournament. He was beaten Saturday afternoon, but I ruled it a disqualification since his competitor, E-Rock, was using performance-enhancing drugs (namely 180 energy drink,) whereas the Cap'n was stinking drunk.

We're thinking of renting a limo to take us to City Finals, and we're all going to be dressed to the nines. All the guys are wearing suits and dark glasses, and all of the girls are wearing somewhat revealing dresses. I'm also trying to round up some walkie-talkies so that we can really look like we have a security team in place.

If only I put as much effort into other aspects of my life as I do into being a jackass, I could be president one day.

All for now, kids.

JT out.

Monday, February 04, 2008


The Idiot Speaks: Interview with The Champ

This is going to be a very special edition of The Idiot Speaks. The Cap'n, our delivery manager, won the Paper Rock Scissors tournament at Chubby's 2 x 4 Friday night, and is advancing to city finals. If he wins there, he goes to Vegas, for a shot at $100,000. He was gracious (read: drunk) enough to sit down with me Saturday for an interview.

JT: does it feel, knowing you bested 30 people last night?

Cap'n: Man, I feel great. In fact, I'm still a bit drunk.

JT: What was your strategy?

Cap'n: Well, first, I got a bit tipsy. Then, I cheated in the first round, won by DQ in the second (the girl didn't show up,) and from there on out, it was smooth sailing.

JT: Awesome. What was your favorite part of last night?

Cap'n: I thanked a chick for cheering for me, she stared at me and said "Damn. I thought you were someone else."

JT: Ouch.

Cap'n: It's all part of the territory. Jealousy, I assume.

JT: What would you say has been your greatest acheivement in Paper Rock Scissors?

Cap'n: Well, like all of the greats, I practice in front of a mirror constantly, perfecting my stance and my game face. I knew I had arrived when I actually beat my reflection. He threw rock, I threw paper. I'm not sure which one of us was the most shocked.

JT: You just mentioned yourself as one of the "greats." Is that how you see yourself?

Cap'n: Well, the word "hero" is thrown around a lot. I'm not sure I'm a hero. I'm just another blue-collar chump trying to make a dime. But yeah, I'm a hero.

JT: Do you ever feel saddened, knowing that there are children out there, born without hands, and yet your hands are a virtual golden ticket to fame?

Cap'n: You know, Josh, I say a prayer for those kids every day when I wake up, and every night before I snuggle down to sleep. But, just in case something terrible happens, I can also play with my feet.

JT: If you win the big game, do you plan on donating part of the prize to inner city youth with no hands?

Cap'n: Hell no. You losers will never see me again.

JT: Fair enough. Want to take me on real quick to prove you're at the top of your game, even hungover?

Cap'n: Sure. Best two out of three. (He smoked me, right out of the gates.)

JT: Wow. I guess you really are the Champ.

Cap'n: They don't call me "The Main Event" for nothing.

JT: The Champ is here! The Champ is here!

JT out.

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