Monday, February 04, 2008


The Idiot Speaks: Interview with The Champ

This is going to be a very special edition of The Idiot Speaks. The Cap'n, our delivery manager, won the Paper Rock Scissors tournament at Chubby's 2 x 4 Friday night, and is advancing to city finals. If he wins there, he goes to Vegas, for a shot at $100,000. He was gracious (read: drunk) enough to sit down with me Saturday for an interview.

JT: does it feel, knowing you bested 30 people last night?

Cap'n: Man, I feel great. In fact, I'm still a bit drunk.

JT: What was your strategy?

Cap'n: Well, first, I got a bit tipsy. Then, I cheated in the first round, won by DQ in the second (the girl didn't show up,) and from there on out, it was smooth sailing.

JT: Awesome. What was your favorite part of last night?

Cap'n: I thanked a chick for cheering for me, she stared at me and said "Damn. I thought you were someone else."

JT: Ouch.

Cap'n: It's all part of the territory. Jealousy, I assume.

JT: What would you say has been your greatest acheivement in Paper Rock Scissors?

Cap'n: Well, like all of the greats, I practice in front of a mirror constantly, perfecting my stance and my game face. I knew I had arrived when I actually beat my reflection. He threw rock, I threw paper. I'm not sure which one of us was the most shocked.

JT: You just mentioned yourself as one of the "greats." Is that how you see yourself?

Cap'n: Well, the word "hero" is thrown around a lot. I'm not sure I'm a hero. I'm just another blue-collar chump trying to make a dime. But yeah, I'm a hero.

JT: Do you ever feel saddened, knowing that there are children out there, born without hands, and yet your hands are a virtual golden ticket to fame?

Cap'n: You know, Josh, I say a prayer for those kids every day when I wake up, and every night before I snuggle down to sleep. But, just in case something terrible happens, I can also play with my feet.

JT: If you win the big game, do you plan on donating part of the prize to inner city youth with no hands?

Cap'n: Hell no. You losers will never see me again.

JT: Fair enough. Want to take me on real quick to prove you're at the top of your game, even hungover?

Cap'n: Sure. Best two out of three. (He smoked me, right out of the gates.)

JT: Wow. I guess you really are the Champ.

Cap'n: They don't call me "The Main Event" for nothing.

JT: The Champ is here! The Champ is here!

JT out.

Ping pong players do not like the term ping pong...they prefer table tennis.

Not sure about RPS terminology, but the almighty Wikipedia says:

"The exact name of the game can vary, with the three components appearing in a different order, or with "stone" in place of "rock". Non-English speakers often refer to the game by their words for "rock, paper, scissors" (though not necessarily in that order). Localised names for the game include the Japanese Janken or Jankenpon; the Korean Gawi Bawi Bo (가위 바위 보); the Filipino Jack En Poy or Bato Bato Pick (rock, rock, choose!); the Brazilian Jó-kên-pô; the Hungarian Kő-papír-olló; the Chilean Ca-Chi-Pun; the South African Ching-Chong-Cha (the words used in the 'count'); the Cantonese Chinese 包 剪 揼 -- paper,scissor,rock; the Mandarin Chinese Jian Dao, Shi Tou, Bu (剪刀 石頭 布 -- scissors, rock, fabric); and the Italian Morra Cinese.

In France and the United States, in particular, the game is ofter referred to as Rochambeau (ro-sham-bo) in honor of Jean-Baptiste Donatien de Vimeur, compte de Rochambeau, French hero of American Revolution. Rochambeau was present in York when General Cornwallis surrendered to George Washington. It is believed that Washington, Cornwallis and Rochambeau played RPS to decide who would be the last to leave Cornwallis' tent after the exchange of formalities. At the time, it was considered most honorable to be last. Rochambeau "won" the RPS game and the game has been known as Ro-sham-bo ever since.
Somehow this post seems even more Southern than your posts on the white trash party.
Huh...I'm going to take that as a compliment.
It is. Delightful silliness, made relevant by an episode of shooting the bull that would put the King Ranch out of business. Add in a measure of church talk about compassion "for the kids," and all you're missing is a plate of fried chicken and a pitcher of sweet tea to make it complete. Maybe some fried okra.

Yum. And well written, too.
Thank you, sir. Just wait until I finish the post detailing our well-laid plans for city finals.

Here's a taste: Cap'n is organizing an entourage, and I'm Head of Security.
This post had me rolling! Awesome interview JT. I never throw anything other than rock.

damn stroke!
Thanks, man. I can't wait for City Finals.
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