Because if this guy can't get you laid...who can?





Well, it's that time of year again. The dangerous stretch between Groundhog Day and St. Patrick's Day (two of my favorite drinking holidays, by the way) when Valentine's Day occurs. Ah, Valentine's Day. One of the few days of the year when even the best-intentioned gesture can be horribly misinterpreted and ruin a relationship forever (the other days being her birthday, your anniversary, and any day, ever, when a man speaks out loud to a woman.) Have no fear, kids. Ol' Uncle JT is here to provide you with some tips to guaran-damn-tee that you'll be slipping in between those satin sheets with dirty thoughts on your mind and not bedding down on the couch for the night watching a Jean Claude Van Damme marathon on TBS.

Trust me, I'm an expert (this is a filthy lie.)

First, and foremost: her feelings come first. This should be easy, since, as men, we don't have feelings. And even if we do, we don't talk about them. Ever. Not even when your best friend dies by drowning in beer, and you're struck by how bittersweet and beautiful life can be at times. No sir, bottle that shit up, pronto. Then go build something with power tools to prove that you're heterosexual. Maybe a gun rack. Unless you're gay, in which case it's fine.

Secondly: show up with flowers, or, if she's allergic, some sort of colorful spinning bow tie. Why? Because everyone loves spinning bow ties. Only commies hate spinning bow ties. Anyway, back to the flowers. I don't care if she has said in the past that she's "not a flower type of girl," or "please, if I have to tell you to stop showing up at my house with flowers again, I'm calling the police." She doesn't mean it. It's a fact: chicks dig flowers.

Chocolate, on the other hand, can be touchy. She may feel that you're trying to sabotage her diet, or kill her, since she's allergic to nuts, you asshole, and these are chocolate covered nuts! Also, you may get hungry and open them up and eat most of them on the way to her house because, let's be honest, chocolate covered nuts are delicious.

Third: Spring for something out of the ordinary. Come on, fellas, she's put up with your sorry ass for this long, she deserves something for it. Take her out for a nice dinner, or maybe prepare some sort of picnic. Maybe let her Super Size her combo meal, or toss out the extra cash for one of those apple pies. She's a special lady and deserves to be treated like one, especially on Valentine's Day. Plus, everyone knows that if you let a chick Super Size her meal, she has to at least let you get to second base.

Fourth: Set the mood when you get home with the proper lighting and music. Now, I like strobe lights and Machinehead as much as the next guy, but this is not the proper occasion to plug in the fog machine. No sir, go for candles and some black guy with an extremely deep voice (for the music, not in person...unless you're into that kind of thing.) It could even be so deep that you can't understand a word he says. It doesn't matter. The deeper, the better (that's what she said. Zing!). If candles aren't an option because your mom doesn't let you use matches yet, wrap a small flashlight in tissue paper (I am making this up, I have no idea if it will work.)

Fifth: Ply her with booze. Here's a good trick: pretend that you've bought a really nice, expensive bottle of wine. In reality, you have an empty bottle that was once, a few years back, a fairly good bottle. Maybe you spent twenty bills on it. Now, a few years later, it's a 2002 vintage - you've been "saving it for just the right time." Just go to the store, buy any old bottle of two buck chuck, and funnel it into the "expensive" bottle. If she questions why the cork is already out of the bottle, explain that you opened it in advance to let the wine breathe and open up. Now, you also look like you've got wine knowledge. You're a Renaissance man. I can almost hear the clothing flying off from way over here. You're welcome.

If none of this does the trick for you, well, you're hopeless. Enjoy spending a night alone watching ET with your mom, playing Dungeons and Dragons in your basement with the creepy kid from next door with the lazy eye, or staring at this picture and letting your fantasies run wild.

Or, well, you can always "hire a date," if you know what I mean.

JT out.