Friday, October 09, 2009


101 Uses for Hobo Blood, Part II

So, I know I started this back in June...with promises of part two in the very near future. I also said I would do it in installments of twenty, and have now chosen ten. I lied. It's what grown-ups do, kids.

Now, without further ado, uses 21-30 for hobo blood.

21. Not getting enough nutrients on a daily basis? Add a liberal dose of hobo blood to your morning coffee. It's part of a nutritional breakfast.

22. As we all know, Halloween is right around the corner. An always-popular choice of costumes is Stephen King's "Carrie," doused in pig blood. But let's be honest, it's a down economy, and pig blood is expensive. You know what is free? Hobo blood. I challenge you all to discern between the two. Well, except one of them smells like cheap gin more than the other. Stupid drunk pigs.

23. Ever have some pesky Honor Roll Student put some lame bumper sticker on your sweet ride? Then you try to peel it off and it leaves that gummy residue? Hobo blood is a cheap, safe, environmentally friendly alternative to those commercial cleaning products to remove sticky residue. Also, it's safe to use on the paint job of that 1993 Camaro. Look out ladies, we're back on the prowl!

24. Out of gazpacho, and your hipster friends are coming over for a dinner party? Serve chilled hobo blood instead. No one will know the difference.

25. Every few years, Crayola has a contest for the next new color of crayon. My friend, colleague, and esteemed philanthropist, the legendary Mike T! has suggested that not only should it be "Hobo Blood," it should also be manufactured using a certain percentage of the actual product. Parents, this is one crayon you definitely do not want your kids to eat.

26. Speaking of incorporating hobo blood into waxy substances, I'm going to contact the distillers of Maker's Mark and ask that they release a special Halloween edition bottle incorporating hobo blood in to the wax seal on the bottle.

27. Melissa and I were recently looking for a new place to live. One of the places we looked at was next to a house in which the owner had passed away an hour earlier. In addition to not really liking the house, Melissa was somewhat concerned that the recently deceased elderly lady from next door would haunt the house. I reassured her that it was a simple fix: anoint all windows, doors, and other access points such as air ducts with hobo blood. The angry hobo spirit will easily keep the kindly old woman's spirit at bay. The downside? Angry hobo poltergeist.

28. As most of you know, I have worked in the alcohol industry for quite a while now, first as a sales rep, and now as the manager of a liquor store. One thing that will never cease to amaze me is the amount of new products I am introduced to every week. Root beer flavored vodka, pumpkin spice schnapps, apple-flavored it logically follow that the next big craze will be a hobo-blood infused cream liqueur. I was thinking of calling it "Hobo Cream," but that just doesn't sound right...

29. It's been raining a lot lately, and nothing is worse than having a rain jacket, tent, or umbrella with a small leak. Apply a dab of hobo blood to the selected area and it will seal it right up. Not safe for use on rayon-based materials.

30. While we're talking about weather-related uses, winter is right around the corner. While we rarely see snow in the midlands of South Carolina, I know a lot of you do. Here's a helpful tip: keep a pint or two of hobo blood in your car for when you get stuck in deep snow. Pouring the hobo blood around the areas where your tires are spinning will quickly melt the snow, exposing the solid ground beneath, allowing you to go on your merry way.

Well, that's it fro uses 21 to 30. Be on the lookout for 31 to 40 coming soon!

JT out.

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