Sunday, September 07, 2008


Adventures in Dining

When it comes to eating, I love trying new and exotic dishes. Rarely will I turn down a sampling of something I had previously never considered eating, unless it is a household pet or actually still alive. Like any good Southern boy, I love wild game. Deer, buffalo, elk, wild boar, wild turkey, duck, quail, dove and rabbit are all delicious. Squirrel is a bit tough for my taste, but I have tried it. Among the other meats I’ve tried and enjoyed are lamb, goat, ostrich and kangaroo. Kangaroo is wonderful in an orange glaze. One item that I have tried but absolutely can’t handle is anchovies. Those little bastards are vile to all of the five senses and have no place whatsoever on a dinner table. The one attempt I made at eating a pizza with anchovies on it ended with me spitting the pizza out and consuming mass quantities of beer to make the taste go away. I’m not entirely sure if the taste went away or I just got drunk, but I consider either situation a mark in the “win” column of life.

I don’t limit myself to meats, though. I’m always interested in trying different types of fruits, vegetables and grains, as well as alternative methods of preparation. To me, it’s more about the new experiences and hoping that one day I will find a fruit, vegetable, or grain that tastes identical to bacon. Honestly, if that day ever comes, I believe I could become a vegetarian. I’ll let that sink in for a minute. Me, a vegetarian. Quick question: did any of you fall for that one? I didn’t think so. Even if I found the miracle “bacon fruit,” I still love too many meat-based dishes. Hell, last Saturday my lunch was just a large slab of corned beef, and it was delicious. So, I believe I have made my point: I love trying new foods, I hate anchovies, and I am on a life-long quest for bacon fruit.

An article I read today has made me a touch more hesitant about new foods. The main point of the article was about dangerous food. One of the most well-known would be fugu, a Japanese delicacy made from the meat of the highly toxic pufferfish, and made famous in the United States by a Simpsons episode, which, as a bonus features Bart and Lisa karaokeing Shaft. Chefs actually have to be licensed to prepare fugu, and only 30% of those who take the exam pass. Some chefs deliberately leave a trace amount of poison in the fish, because it causes a numb, tingling sensation of the lips and induces mild feelings of intoxication. Here’s a better way to achieve that same feeling: mentholated lip balm and a few bottles of Hazed and Infused (this method is guaranteed to be 346.7% less likely to kill you.) As much as I love new experiences, painful paralysis and death are not numbered among the ones I want to try.

The one that truly caught my eye and turned my stomach, though, was casu marzu. Essentially, it is a cheese made from rotten goat or sheep milk. Then, for some reason that is entirely beyond me, live cheese fly larvae are intentionally introduced to the cheese to bring it to a state of decomposition. Just for kicks, the maggots are left in the cheese during consumption. As if that isn’t bad enough, the little fuckers are capable of jumping up to six inches in the air. How does it taste? Well, the taste is sometimes so strong that it can actually burn your mouth. Let’s sum this up real quick: in the process of eating this cheese, you could burn your mouth and have a maggot put your eye out. Wonderful! Oh yeah, and the acid in a human’s stomach isn’t strong enough to kill a maggot, meaning that they can get into your intestines and cause lesions and internal bleeding. Dee-licious!. Plus the cheese is actually illegal in Sardonia, its country of origin. Illegal death cheese? No thanks. I’ll stick to this nice, safe, legal hunk of Monterrey Jack, if it’s all the same to you.

There were other, more disturbing and disgusting items, but I’m not here to make any of my readers violently ill, although the illegal death cheese may have done it. Sound off in the comments section with some of your favorite exotic dishes, or experiences you’ve had with death-defying food. Personally, I’m going to go eat something thoroughly safe and processed, like a big bowl of Spaghettios.

JT out.

I am the same way...I love trying new foods, but not if they have a 75% chance of harming or killing me.

Things I do not eat after trying them:

Vienna Sausages (my dad loves them)
Potted Meat (dad loves that)...I recently realized I ingested some of that with some Carr crackers when I woke up one morning after getting stoned.
The Carr crackers were crushed in the bed next to me with the empty can of potted meat next to my pillow. I immediately went to the toilet and threw up.

Quail either

When that game is boiling, it is the most foul smell ever!
Anyone who can name all 5 flavors of vienna sausages raise their hand (raises hand)
Although it sounds a lot dirtier than it is, I have been offered beaver. And I mean the rodent. I could make a million jokes...
..and once again, I take the high road and dodge this joke... a rabbi and a Catholic priest are sitting on a park bench...

Welcome to Spork Nation, hilbelink. Y'all come back soon now, ya hear?
I was just scrolling down when the images of A.C. Slater and Zach Morris caught my eye. I have no cable at home, so I go to school early in order to watch 90 minutes of Saved by the Bell before school starts. If that's wrong, then I don't want to be right.
Zach is a whore. Long live Slater!
Lark Vorhees FTW.
By the way, happy birthday, buddy!
I had a friend from Taiwan suggest that if I saw a rattlesnake while hunting, I ought to take it home because it's "good medicine." Thankfully, hunting season was in November, and daytime temperatures in the forties meant that I didn't see any.
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