Wednesday, July 18, 2007


White Trash Party

This past weekend, my friends Ashley and Anna hosted a White Trash party as their housewarming party. Just to let everyone know that my circle of friends are deadly serious when it comes to theme parties, here is an excerpt from the email invitation:

Ashley has said if you DO NOT come dressed, you will have to drink Boone's Farm and Colt 45 cocktails all night. So have some fun--dress up!

And by "cocktails", he truly meant a mixture of the two drinks. Luckily (or unluckily, since I wanted to see someone choke one down,) everyone showed up in their white trash finest, as evidenced in the picture above (note the guy peeing in the bushes in the background. Classy, HL. Classy.) Here is the truly scary part: very few of us had to go out and buy anything to create this look. Sure, we cut sleeves off and maybe shortened some shorts, but most of it was already in our possessions. Frightening, huh? Welcome to the South. Now go home.

An additional rule that I requested was no beer that costs more than $7.00 per twelve pack. The coolers were full of PBR, Old Milwaukee, Milwaukee's Best, Natural Light, Budweiser, and Busch. For the ladies, we had an assortment of boxed wines, Mad Dog 20/20, Wild Irish Rose, and Boone's Farm. The menu included vienna sausages, pigs in blankets, pork rinds, moon pies, and pickled eggs. Needless to say, everyone was in rough shape the following day. I felt like there were several angry midgets trying to tunnel out of my skull through my eyeballs, and my heartburn burned with the fury of a thousand suns.

I really wish I could have overheard conversations that the neighbors were having about what kind of people moved in next door and what it was going to do to their property values. Especially once we all started drinking and throwing out empties into the yard (my idea, and I'm very proud of it) and having staged domestic disputes between the couples. We even came up with alternate personas and jobs. Believe it or not, I thickened my Southern drawl (CDP, I know you think this to be an impossible feat.) And finally, the bobbing for vienna sausages in a pot of beer game that Ashley and Anna created. It was supposed to be a joke, surely no one would do something so disgusting, right? Wrong. You've never been around my friends when we've been drinking.

Me and the little lady, all fixed up to go out drinkin'. We couldn't find no one to sit with the young'un, so we took him along.

JT out.

Boy, that is just wonderful. That Fu-Manchu is about as good as it gets. You need to do some karaoke in that attire before you shave it off.

The attention to detail in the group photo was great, and the staged domestic disputes all lead me to believe that you and your friends are actually some hipster performance art troupe from Chicago.
Damn, you're on to us.

Unfortunately, the Fu-Manchu is already gone. I have a wedding to go to, so I shaved it off Monday morning. I did cook in it at the Idiot on Sunday night, though.
Are you friggin' drinking Budweiser SELECT?!?!
Yes, but in my defense - it was in the fridge at my house before we left. At the actual party, I was drinking Old Milwaukee.
You lady is a fox.
Did you have to put a hairnet on the Fu-Manchu, like on My Name Is Earl? Because that would have been just wonderful.
Any couple that can laugh together on the topic of spousal abuse is a couple that's going to last.
Hathery - I quite agree. Thanks you. She looks even better when she dresses like a normal person.

CDP - I did not have to wear a hairnet, but that would have been hilarious. My standard line for the night, when anyone asked what was up with the facial hair was "I'm bringing sleazy back."

Yeah, the "black eye" was a hit - although I feel the need to point out that it was shoe polish and green sharpie, not an actual bruise.

I only hit her where it can't be seen in public.
MAN! you know how to have a good time! For the record, my vote for best detail goes to the can of SKOAL in the jean skirt pocket. Truly genius.

When I worked down in the Oil Patch I was actually acquiring a taste for BBQ vienna sausage. Alas, they do not sell it up here. Tell me you had Potted Meat Food Product!! Those guys would spread it on crackers!

On the subject:
If you go out drinking with your friends at a biker bar in Maryland and you hear a 500 Db Harley rev up in the parking lot, Not a good time for the drunken D-Bag you're with to yell "WHITE TRASH!! WHITE TRASH!!" at the top of his stupid lungs.
Actually, it was a can of shoe polish, but it achieved the desired effect.

If you ever truly get a huge craving for BBQ flavored vienna sausages, let me know and I'll ship you a case.
A case!?!?

When I have $3.67 saved up I'll let you know. Thanks!
Oh how this party brings back memories of my own (wait for it) family reunions. Okay, not so much.

For those of you NOT from the South, remember, when you say Vienna sausages, you must pronounce it "vigh-EE'-nuh" sausages. These are tiny hotdogs, people, not European capitals.

Hey, JT, I know it's still months away, but I thought I'd give you a heads up on the Charlotte Oktoberfest on Saturday, September 29th.

I will be there this year (as I was last year) tying one on and trying to convince people that the drunk old man who just passed out in front of me is my father. If you and your friends feel like venturing across the border to NC, let me know.
Godot - First, "These are tiny hotdogs, people, not European capitals." made me laugh so hard I almost fell out of my chair.

Second, that weekend is actually an away game for Clemson, so I may try to make it up that way.
I saw a little girl yack up a whole can of Vienna sausages onto the floor when I worked at the welfare office. It was not a pretty sight.
...still IN the can? that would be quite a feat.
and, if you're in Georgia, that's

I'm getting nauseous just reading this, JT.
"So then Bob walked in wearing the same snow-bib coveralls he knew I'd be wearing..."

perfect timing ya'll.
I love your pix! I'm trying to talk my friend into a Trailer Park Proud party for her birthday, she bailed out last year. She has a washer in her yard that I'm envisioning full of ice and Keystone beer.
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