I’d like to add a disclaimer at the beginning of this, since I know my mom reads this: None of this is true, it is all purely for entertainment. Instead of camping, we actually went and read to blind orphans. Your son is much smarter than this.

Hey mom – don’t read this next sentence. These events are true, to the best of my recollection.

I went camping last weekend with a group of guys that I don’t hang out with nearly enough. Although, to be honest, every time we hang out there is at least one brilliant idea that has the potential to maim, and/or, kill us, so maybe that’s a good thing. Ashley, Stan, HL, Lindsey and I went to the small town of McBee, SC (official motto: We would prefer it if Josh Taylor would stay the hell out of our town). We were fully prepared for the trip, having two four-wheelers, a cooler full of beer, a jug of moonshine, a chainsaw, and an enormous box of fireworks. Unfortunately for Hook and Lato, they backed out of the trip at the last minute, so they missed all of our death-defying stunts and shenanigans, and assorted tomfoolery. I use the term camping a bit loosely here, since we forgot our tents and wound up sleeping inside of a small blockhouse.

Anyway, we spent most of the afternoon and night riding around on the four-wheelers, which was a blast. However, as the night went on, and there started to be more empty beer bottles than full ones, we got smarter. The moonshine helped. (side note here – never put a stick of cinnamon in a bottle of moonshine. It ruins perfectly good moonshine). We decided to start shooting the fireworks. At each other. I found this out as Lindsey and I were coming back to the campsite after riding around the farm a bit. When we started getting close, we noticed that bright balls of colorful fire were coming in our direction at high rates of speed. Lindsey, being significantly smarter than me, and stone cold sober, decided to stop out of range and wait for them to run out of firepower. Me, being a candidate for a Nobel Prize in Astrophysics by this point in the evening, arrived at another idea: kick it up into fifth gear, full throttle, and ride straight at them, while doing my best Indian warcry (which Stan later informed me sounded more like the “yiyiyiyiyi” thing from Xena: Warrior Princess). Miraculously, I was not hit a single time (mostly because fireworks are hard to aim at a specific target while sober, which none of us but Lindsey was). So I took off up the hill to go get more firewood, because as most of us know: fires are never big enough and always need more wood. The size requirements for fires are directly linked to the collective blood/alcohol content of the group. Which is to say, ours needed to be able to be seen from space.

As I was roaring off up the hill, I decided to look over my shoulder to make sure that no one was lighting more fireworks. Right about the time I did this, the front tires of the four wheeler caught in some deep sand, and since I was looking behind me, caught me by surprise and off balance. I flew off of the four-wheeler, managing to land so that the back tires ran over my leg. No serious damage, but I was sore as hell the next day. Of course, I stood up, took a bow, and went to get more wood. The guys said that, one second I was in the seat, the next second they saw me flying across the beam of the headlight. Right about then I decided that maybe I should stick to non-motorized means of moving about until I was more sober.

This was when it really started to get interesting. You see, we all really love fireworks. Almost to the point where the relationship is not purely platonic. However, we don’t like to just shoot fireworks in the traditional “Make sure it’s a safe distance away from anything flammable, light it, step back, and watch the pretties” kind of way. We have more of a “Hey watch this!” approach. Sure, it’s not terribly safe, but really, the last safe thing that was fun was Men Without Hats “Safety Dance.”

We started putting the fireworks in barrels, but were met with disappointing results. At this point, Ashley had a spectacular idea: put fireworks in the grill, light them, and put the lid on. I’m a bit fuzzy on exactly why, but shortly after it started to go off (and it wasrad) he tackled the grill, sending sparks flying. Right about then, one of the hay bales caught fire, which had potential to be bad, seeing how it was lined up in a row with roughly eight billion other bales of hay. Luckily, we put it out by kicking it and pouring beer on it. Then the grass caught on fire (or maybe it was already on fire and we were just noticing…semantics, really.) So we all ran around like morons stomping until it all went out. I didn’t think it had gotten that out of control until the next morning. By the light of day, it looked like we had been exchanging small arms fire with heavy artillery.

I think Stan and HL put it best when Stan said “Well, despite our best efforts, none of us died.” And HL followed up with “Those weren’t really our best efforts.” As if to prove HL right, Ashley picked up a tall deer stand to carry it around to behind the building. The problem was that the stand he was carrying was probably about twelve feet tall and made of metal, and he was trying to go under a power line that was about ten feet tall, and filled with electricity. I’m no scientist, but metal + electricity + person = bad. Luckily, we all noticed and started yelling, so he missed.

I’m trying to put together a trip in the near future, so anyone interested should start stocking up on good ideas and moonshine now.

S-s-s-s A-a-a-a F-f-f-f E-e-e-e T-t-t-t Y-y-y-y
Safe, dance!

[Spoken]
We can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well they're no friends of mine
I say, we can go where we want to
A place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out of this world
Leave the real one far behind
And we can dance

[Sung]
We can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well they're no friends of mine
I say, we can go where we want to
A place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out of this world
Leave the real one far behind
And we can dance
Danc¨¦e!

We can go when we want to
The night is young and so am I
And we can dress real neat from our hats to our feet
And surprise 'em with the victory cry
Say, we can act if want to
If we don't nobody will
And you can act real rude and totally removed
And I can act like an imbecile

[Refrain]
I say, we can dance, we can dance
Everything out of control
We can dance, we can dance
We're doing it from wall to wall
We can dance, we can dance
Everybody look at your hands
We can dance, we can dance
Everybody takin' the cha-a-a-ance

Safety dance
Is it safe to dance
Is it safe to dance

S-s-s-s A-a-a-a F-f-f-f E-e-e-e T-t-t-t Y-y-y-y
Safe, dance!

We can dance if we want to
We've got all your life and mine
As long as we abuse it, never gonna lose it
Everything'll work out right
I say, we can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well they're no friends of mine

[Refrain]

Is it safe to dance, oh is it safe to dance [6x]
Is it safe to dance