Wednesday, March 01, 2006


A Very Special Announcement, followed by Utter Nonsense

Well, it’s official…I’m being read internationally. And not just in Canada, either. I actually have at least two readers in Europe, and one in Canada. Many of you are probably depressed, thinking that this will bring an end to my disdain for the metric system, and perhaps my metric conversions will be accurate instead of witty. Fear not, loyal readers. I’m way too lazy to work out the conversions, and I still believe firmly in the system we use here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. The system that probably has a name that I am unaware of (actually, I think it’s called English measurement).

Many of you may think that name is odd, since the English actually use the metric system, so sit back and enjoy a completely fabricated history lesson from Uncle Josh. You see, the English once used this system of measure, back when the United States were still English colonies. They also used to speak regular English, like we do here in the US. However, when we rebelled and ultimately won our freedom during the Revolutionary War, we set forth some conditions. Few people realize this, because the historians who write textbooks actually do research and don’t make things up, but George Washington was a warrior whose skills and charisma rivaled those of the Nature Boy Ric Flair. After the English surrendered, ol’ Georgie boy threatened them with a figure four leg lock if they didn’t agree to a few more conditions. As you may have guessed, two of them involved them starting to use a convoluted system of measure, and speaking with funny accents so we could all point and laugh. There were only two other conditions set forth – one being that they had to give their food silly names like “Spotted Dick,” and the other that the palace guards had to wear ridiculously tall furry hats. USA! USA! USA! USA!

On a side note, although it may appear otherwise, I have nothing against the British. I just couldn’t figure out a way to make fun of Canadians this week.

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