Thursday, May 18, 2006


Columbia Drivers

Wow…I know I've always ragged on Greenville drivers and Canadians. After what I’ve seen this week, I feel that I should apologize. To the Greenville drivers, not the Canadians. I will never apologize to the Canadians…unless they deliver several wheelbarrows full of Moose Head Lager to my door, in which case I will not only apologize, but offer to help them move.

Anyway, on to the reason I feel I owe the Greenville drivers an apology: Columbia drivers are so much worse that there is not an actual term that quantifies it enough. My daily commute now is almost exactly the same length (in distance) as it was in Greenville, but I find myself screaming obscenities at an exponentially higher rate. In all fairness, the road systems in Columbia are much more poorly designed (in my humble opinion, whoever is responsible for Malfunction Junction at I-20 and I-26 should be publicly humiliated to the severest degree possible, and then his genes removed from the gene pool,) but the drivers are still responsible for most of the mayhem. Judging by my drive in to ye olde office this morning (I work in an old English village), I think there are two things that could be causing this.

The first is that, every morning at exactly 7:15 AM, someone gives all of the short bus kids car keys and an assortment of minivans and SUVs. Then, just for good measure, they feed each kid a cubic ton (roughly 8 deciliters metric) of sugar and put Def Leppard in the CD player at maximum volume to agitate them a bit more.

The second scenario is my favorite, and much more likely. Every morning, one half of the population gets up at 5:30 AM. They immediately start drinking cheap whiskey. Then, when they’re feeling good and drunk, they head out to their cars, put on blindfolds, and head for downtown. The other half of the population, meanwhile, is getting all jacked up on the uppers of their choice, while listening to whatever type of music makes them the most angry (most likely also Def Leppard). They head out of the house at 7:25 and are given the mission to make it to the center of downtown Columbia by 7:30, no matter how far away they live. Some of them actually live in Spain.

As you can probably surmise, these two groups cause massive collisions, extreme delays, and like to cross three lanes of traffic at once with no warning or indication whatsoever. I know that the new politically-correct, one-world-minded approach would be to be “part of the solution, not the problem.” But I say, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Pass me the whiskey, it’s time for work.

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