One of the “discussion topics” we’ve had on our conference calls at work is first impressions. Specifically, the subject of professional dress. I should clarify, we haven’t been having this conversation because of any glaring transgressions in my office. No one has shown up wearing cut-off jean shorts and a tank top…yet. It’s just that we have to have a weekly topic and “professional dress” seemed more appropriate than “why I’m scared of clowns,” or “the best way to dispose of human remains.”

This brings up an interesting topic, which most males know very little about: fashion. Since I have no expertise whatsoever in this area, I’ve decided to provide you, my loyal readers, with invaluable (read: worthless) advice. The following questions have been selected at random from a non-existent survey of my imaginary friends.

1. Is it ever appropriate to wear cut-off jean shorts?
Yes, in two sets of circumstances. First, if you are also wearing a tank top and have a moustache. Second, at funerals, but only if they’re black denim.

2. What if it’s not black denim, but very, very dark blue?
Only after Labor Day, or in Canada.

3. Is the “trucker hat” fad over?
It will only truly be over when Ashton Kutcher is dead. Consider this a call to arms.

4. Are those mesh “muscle shirts” still in fashion?
Is your name Randy Savage? Then, no.

5. Is it okay for guys to wear pink shirts?
Is it okay to punch elderly women in the face? (Hint: If you think the answer to either question is “yes,” seek professional help)

6. When should I pop the collar on my polo shirt?
Anytime you want to look more ridiculous than the guy in the jean shorts and muscle shirt. Unless the shirt is pink, in which case, mission accomplished.

While all of the above questions are entirely made up, my answers accurately reflect my opinions on them. If you have a question you would like to see Lieutenant Fashion answer in the future, feel free to email me or leave it in the comments section.