As I've posted before, I am in the process of buying a house with my friend Kyle. In order to relieve some stress off of myself and my bank account (or what I have that masquerades as a bank account, anyway. It's mostly filled with pocket lint, paperclips, and gumballs) I decided to liquidate some of my mutual funds. (Damnit, yet another sign that I'm growing up. I have mutual funds.) This has turned into a gigantic pain in my ass. My "advisor" at the company does not return phone calls in a timely manner. When he does call back, he always has a question that he forgot to ask last time. I give him an answer, he calls back a day later with another question. Long story short, I've been trying to liquidate these funds since early last week, and finally got the necessary forms to do it at 3:30 PM today. To illustrate what I'm dealing with, I am going to provide you, my loyal readers, with a transcript* of my conversation with his assistant today.

R: Good Afternoon, Company That Is Borderline Incompetent**, this is Rosalyn***, how may I help you?

JT: Rosalyn, I got your fax, but it looks like I'm missing the last page.

R: What is on the last page?

JT:It's information about a wire transfer, and at the bottom is says "page 5 of 6."

R:Oh, that's the last page. It was 7 pages including the cover sheet.

JT: I understand the part about adding the cover sheet. What I'm telling you is that I only got 6 pages total, and the last page says "page 5 of 6."

R: That's page 7.

JT(starting to get angry and less-than-professional): That is impossible. It distinctly says that is is 5 of 6, indicating that there should be a sixth page. Your cover sheet said there were 7 pages and I only got six. I AM MISSING THE LAST PAGE.

R:Well, I'm pretty sure that's it, but let me go pull those forms again to make sure. I'll call you right back.

JT: That's okay, I'll hold. I'm in a hurry and we're already behind.

(holds for a few minutes)

R:Well, there is another page, but it doesn't look like it's necessary.

JT:Would you mind faxing it anyway?

R:I'll fax it now.

JT:Great. I'll go stand by the fax machine.

It was all I could do to tell her that, according to basic math, 5 + 1 can never equal 7.

Also, that "unimportant" page turned out to be a list of what percentages in income tax certain states require you to withhold upon liquidating the funds. Nah, nothing important, just state laws. I mean, it's not like if you break a law you can get fined or financially audited or anything, right?

*This may not be entirely accurate, as I wasn't typing it out while we were on the phone, but it is not exaggerated.

**Actually, I think the company itself is a quality company, but this rep has lost my business forever.

***The names have been changed to protect the marginally retarded. Also, if she had an Indian name, it would be "Makes You Want to Gouge Your Eyes Out With a Wooden Spoon That is On Fire." I know it's a long name, but it's painfully accurate.

JT out.