Wednesday, February 21, 2007


Why I am Finding a New Financial Advisor.

As I've posted before, I am in the process of buying a house with my friend Kyle. In order to relieve some stress off of myself and my bank account (or what I have that masquerades as a bank account, anyway. It's mostly filled with pocket lint, paperclips, and gumballs) I decided to liquidate some of my mutual funds. (Damnit, yet another sign that I'm growing up. I have mutual funds.) This has turned into a gigantic pain in my ass. My "advisor" at the company does not return phone calls in a timely manner. When he does call back, he always has a question that he forgot to ask last time. I give him an answer, he calls back a day later with another question. Long story short, I've been trying to liquidate these funds since early last week, and finally got the necessary forms to do it at 3:30 PM today. To illustrate what I'm dealing with, I am going to provide you, my loyal readers, with a transcript* of my conversation with his assistant today.

R: Good Afternoon, Company That Is Borderline Incompetent**, this is Rosalyn***, how may I help you?

JT: Rosalyn, I got your fax, but it looks like I'm missing the last page.

R: What is on the last page?

JT:It's information about a wire transfer, and at the bottom is says "page 5 of 6."

R:Oh, that's the last page. It was 7 pages including the cover sheet.

JT: I understand the part about adding the cover sheet. What I'm telling you is that I only got 6 pages total, and the last page says "page 5 of 6."

R: That's page 7.

JT(starting to get angry and less-than-professional): That is impossible. It distinctly says that is is 5 of 6, indicating that there should be a sixth page. Your cover sheet said there were 7 pages and I only got six. I AM MISSING THE LAST PAGE.

R:Well, I'm pretty sure that's it, but let me go pull those forms again to make sure. I'll call you right back.

JT: That's okay, I'll hold. I'm in a hurry and we're already behind.

(holds for a few minutes)

R:Well, there is another page, but it doesn't look like it's necessary.

JT:Would you mind faxing it anyway?

R:I'll fax it now.

JT:Great. I'll go stand by the fax machine.

It was all I could do to tell her that, according to basic math, 5 + 1 can never equal 7.

Also, that "unimportant" page turned out to be a list of what percentages in income tax certain states require you to withhold upon liquidating the funds. Nah, nothing important, just state laws. I mean, it's not like if you break a law you can get fined or financially audited or anything, right?

*This may not be entirely accurate, as I wasn't typing it out while we were on the phone, but it is not exaggerated.

**Actually, I think the company itself is a quality company, but this rep has lost my business forever.

***The names have been changed to protect the marginally retarded. Also, if she had an Indian name, it would be "Makes You Want to Gouge Your Eyes Out With a Wooden Spoon That is On Fire." I know it's a long name, but it's painfully accurate.

JT out.

another sign of getting old... getting excited about buying the FORTUNE magazine "retirement issue" when there's maxium right there.
This post comes directly from the Pork Tornado School For Hilarious Blog Posts. It sounds just like something Dusty would write.

Please understand I'm giving you a huge compliment, here.
Wow...considering that Dusty was the one who originally inspired me to write...that is the highest compliment I could be paid.

...sniff, sniff...there seems to be something in my eye.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?