I know I'm doing a terrible job of posting regularly. Between a new job, new girlfriend, and new house, my life is pretty hectic right now.

Posts on the new girlfriend and new house in the very near future, I promise, as well as pictures from St. Patrick's Day.

JT out.

Here is the email that went out to everyone whose email address I had that I know reads Spork Nation. For anyone who thought that I had gone “velvet rope*,” my apologies. I’m back, baby.

I know that all of you have been somewhat regular viewers of Spork
Nation. Just to let you know, Spork Nation is temporarily going into
hiding. While I'm normally very careful about removing my signature
that includes the web address when I'm sending any type of "official"
correspondence, I forgot to this afternoon when I sent an email to the
bank that is underwriting the loan for mine and Kyle's mortgage.

I somehow doubt that the video of Fuzzy and I pouring diesel fuel on a
bonfire would have influenced them in a positive manner. It's a
"private" blog for the time being, at least until mid week next week
when everything is finalized and approved.

I'm retarded.

I have so much to write about, but I’m short on time today, so enjoy your weekend and let me know what you’ve all been up to.

JT out.

*A tip of the hat to BluStaCon there

Yeah, so I'm ripping off another one of CDP's ideas. When I last posted this and asked for suggestions so I could continue doing this, my comments were broken. I also have several new readers now, so I thought I would repost it. I'll write something original soon, I'm just swamped with the new job, trying to buy a house, and helping Stan build his deck.

JT out.

Every Girl's Crazy 'Bout a Sharp Dressed Man

One of the “discussion topics” we’ve had on our conference calls at work is first impressions. Specifically, the subject of professional dress. I should clarify, we haven’t been having this conversation because of any glaring transgressions in my office. No one has shown up wearing cut-off jean shorts and a tank top…yet. It’s just that we have to have a weekly topic and “professional dress” seemed more appropriate than “why I’m scared of clowns,” or “the best way to dispose of human remains.”

This brings up an interesting topic, which most males know very little about: fashion. Since I have no expertise whatsoever in this area, I’ve decided to provide you, my loyal readers, with invaluable (read: worthless) advice. The following questions have been selected at random from a non-existent survey of my imaginary friends.

1. Is it ever appropriate to wear cut-off jean shorts?
Yes, in two sets of circumstances. First, if you are also wearing a tank top and have a moustache. Second, at funerals, but only if they’re black denim.

2. What if it’s not black denim, but very, very dark blue?
Only after Labor Day, or in Canada.

3. Is the “trucker hat” fad over?
It will only truly be over when Ashton Kutcher is dead. Consider this a call to arms.

4. Are those mesh “muscle shirts” still in fashion?
Is your name Randy Savage? Then, no.

5. Is it okay for guys to wear pink shirts?
Is it okay to punch elderly women in the face? (Hint: If you think the answer to either question is “yes,” seek professional help)

6. When should I pop the collar on my polo shirt?
Anytime you want to look more ridiculous than the guy in the jean shorts and muscle shirt. Unless the shirt is pink, in which case, mission accomplished.

While all of the above questions are entirely made up, my answers accurately reflect my opinions on them. If you have a question you would like to see Lieutenant Fashion answer in the future, feel free to email me or leave it in the comments section.

Only in our great state of SC would a break in result in a sword fight. I don't make a habit of reposting news stories, but this one was too good to pass up. Enjoy your weekend, kids. Let me know what you're up to in the comments section.

JT out.

(Hilton Head Island-AP) March 2, 2007 - Beaufort County sheriff's deputies say a man carrying a three-foot sword apparently met his match when he broke into his ex-girlfriend's apartment.

Deputies say her roommate grabbed his own sword and cut the intruder Thursday afternoon.

Captain Toby McSwain says 18-year-old Elvis Javier Polanco went to the woman's home with a friend after they had been drinking.

McSwain says Polanco broke a window and climbed in on his friend's shoulders to get inside.

Polanco has been charged with burglary and aggravated assault.

Polanco was confronted by Louis Delgado Hernandez, who disarmed the intruder while the ex-girlfriend called police.

Polanco was treated and released from a hospital.