Thursday, March 08, 2007


Spork Nation Oh-So-Def Remix

Yeah, so I'm ripping off another one of CDP's ideas. When I last posted this and asked for suggestions so I could continue doing this, my comments were broken. I also have several new readers now, so I thought I would repost it. I'll write something original soon, I'm just swamped with the new job, trying to buy a house, and helping Stan build his deck.

JT out.

Every Girl's Crazy 'Bout a Sharp Dressed Man

One of the “discussion topics” we’ve had on our conference calls at work is first impressions. Specifically, the subject of professional dress. I should clarify, we haven’t been having this conversation because of any glaring transgressions in my office. No one has shown up wearing cut-off jean shorts and a tank top…yet. It’s just that we have to have a weekly topic and “professional dress” seemed more appropriate than “why I’m scared of clowns,” or “the best way to dispose of human remains.”

This brings up an interesting topic, which most males know very little about: fashion. Since I have no expertise whatsoever in this area, I’ve decided to provide you, my loyal readers, with invaluable (read: worthless) advice. The following questions have been selected at random from a non-existent survey of my imaginary friends.

1. Is it ever appropriate to wear cut-off jean shorts?
Yes, in two sets of circumstances. First, if you are also wearing a tank top and have a moustache. Second, at funerals, but only if they’re black denim.

2. What if it’s not black denim, but very, very dark blue?
Only after Labor Day, or in Canada.

3. Is the “trucker hat” fad over?
It will only truly be over when Ashton Kutcher is dead. Consider this a call to arms.

4. Are those mesh “muscle shirts” still in fashion?
Is your name Randy Savage? Then, no.

5. Is it okay for guys to wear pink shirts?
Is it okay to punch elderly women in the face? (Hint: If you think the answer to either question is “yes,” seek professional help)

6. When should I pop the collar on my polo shirt?
Anytime you want to look more ridiculous than the guy in the jean shorts and muscle shirt. Unless the shirt is pink, in which case, mission accomplished.

While all of the above questions are entirely made up, my answers accurately reflect my opinions on them. If you have a question you would like to see Lieutenant Fashion answer in the future, feel free to email me or leave it in the comments section.

Before I post my thoughts on this well written, thought provoking post, I would like to preempt any arguement with the author. It must be said that different regions of this glorious country we are priviliged to live in have widely varying levels of acceptance on many different topics. I believe this may be one of them. My answers are based upon having lived above the M-D line and in a somewhat uppity limosine-democratic society for most of my life.

1. Is it ever appropriate to wear cut-off jean shorts?

Never, unless your name is Bruce and you and your life partner are planning to spend the day romping around P-Town beaches.

2. What if it’s not black denim, but very, very dark blue?

Not unless your a construction worker that was just in a horrible accident involving a front end loader and the loss of your legs below the knees.

3. Is the “trucker hat” fad over?

Not as long as massively entitled teenagers still think Paris Hilton is so hot

4. Are those mesh “muscle shirts” still in fashion?

Yes, but only if you go to the gym more than five times a week to talk to other guys about how much you can press and are actively in massive denial about your sexuality.

5. Is it okay for guys to wear pink shirts?

Only if it was one of your favorite white shirts that got accidently washed with a red shirt. Then, and only then may you wear it under another shirt.

6. When should I pop the collar on my polo shirt?

When making fun of Don Johnson.
So maybe I didn't think this through...

My rebuttal: The Northern border of the Mason-Dixon Line constitutes where those "yankee" folk live, and therefore is of no consequence to me.

Also, I'm kidding. And Blu's reasoning is correct. I hate it when I "pink" a good shirt.

Drink some beer.
Up here we have a lot of Irish in our bloodlines and spindly white legs have never looked good in cut offs.
When I was a teenager, I would wear cut-offs when I mowed lawns around my town. Even then, I mainly did it to attract the attention of all the single moms and lonely housewives in the area.

Didn't work, as you would imagine.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?