Sometimes I am amazed at the ridiculous things people say. Actually, I suppose that "amazed" is no longer the correct term. I was amazed about 10 years ago, now I've grown so accustomed to people speaking before thinking that it simply amuses me or pisses me off, depending on my mood and the circumstances. Of course, working in a bar, surrounded by people who have been drinking, I probably am subject to some of the more ludicrous statements. In addition, I occasionally answer the phone and take delivery orders. We have a lot of drunk people calling late at night.

For lack of anything more creative to write (I'm truly exhausted these past few weeks, the working two jobs thing is starting to grind on me,) I choose to share them with you here.

On The Phone

JT: Thank you for calling the Village Idiot.
Random Drunk: ...yeah...Is this Carolina Wings?
JT: Yes...yes it is. (then I hung up.)


JT: Thank you for calling the Village Idiot.
Random Drunk Lady: Do y'all deliver to the Hampton Inn?
JT: Which one are you staying in?
Random Drunk Lady: I don't know. (holds muffled conversation with someone else) We're not sure.
JT: What street are you on, ma'am?
Random Drunk Lady: I have no idea. I'm from out of town. I can see the zoo. (No, no she could not. There is not a Hampton Inn anywhere near the zoo. Trust me, both my house and my old office are near the zoo.)
JT: Hmmm...I'm not familiar with that one. What else can you see out of the window?
Random Drunk Lady: Gilligan's. (There is no such place in Columbia. There is one about 15 miles away, in Lexington, my hometown, but not in Columbia.)
JT: Hold on for just a second, ma'am.
At this point, I handed over the phone to my boss's wife. We eventually figured out she was right downtown, next to Jillian's. We still have no idea what she thought was the zoo. Also, when our delivery guy got there, there was no one in the room. As he was giving up and leaving, an obviously drunk lady came stumbling down the hall with some ice. She apologized, explaining that she had to go get some more ice, because her beer was getting too cold.


This one I wasn't actually around for, but it's too good not to share.
Flip: Thank you for calling the Village Idiot.
Random Lady: Yes, could you please tell me what is in your pub?
Flip: In my pub? Well, we have a bar, tables, chairs, a few video game machines...(the lady cuts him off)
Random Lady: No, no, no...your pub. I want to know what is in the pub.
Flip: I'm sorry, I'm not sure quite what you're asking.
Random Lady: Well, let me make it simple. Your establishment is called "The Village Idiot Pizza and Pub." I know what goes into a pizza, I need to know what goes into a pub.
Flip: Ma'am, "pub" is another word for "bar." Just pretend we're called "The Village Idiot Pizza and Bar."
Random Lady: Oh.


At The Bar

Random Drunk Girl: It's my birthday!
E-Rock: Happy birthday! How old are you?
Random Drunk Girl: I'm 20!
E-Rock: You're going to have to leave.


Random Drunk Lady: Excuse me, you're the owner, aren't you?
JT: No, but he's around somewhere.
Random Drunk Lady: You sure look a lot like him.
JT: I've been told that. Other than him being a few years older and me having a beard, we do look a lot alike.
I get this a lot. Brian and I do look pretty similar (other than the beard.)
Five minutes, maybe ten pass...
Random Drunk Lady: You're the owner, right?
JT:: (still have a beard, haven't shaved at work...in the kitchen...seems like a health code violation of some sort.) No, no I am not.


Captain: (A very inebriated co-worker of mine, off the clock and watching football). FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK! (He notices a girl a few stools down staring at him) Sorry, hope you're not offended by my language.
Girl: No, don't worry about it at all.
Captain: Good....DOGSHITBALLFARTS!
I was still in the kitchen at this point, but heard all of it and started laughing so loudly it could perhaps be called a "guffaw." Captain heard me laughing, knew he was onto a classic, and proceeded to yell "Dogshitballfarts" periodically for the next 4 hours or so. I laughed every time.

I have many, many more, but don't want to waste the time writing it all out if no one is interested. Also, I'm going to bed. Let me know if you want to see more of this!

JT out.