What the hell???

Last week, we had high temperatures in the mid-eighties. For the past two nights, we have had freeze warnings. I don't mind cold weather, when we ease into it gradually. I hate cold weather when it goes from flip-flop weather to wool sock weather in the span of 72 hours.

I am convinced that Al Gore and Mother Nature have teamed up to really screw with humanity. First, lovable, teddy-bear-like Al Gore makes us think that, due to global warming, we will all soon be living in a tropical paradise, sipping fruity beverages out of coconut shells while stunning Hawaiian beauties do hula dances in our back yards. At least, I think that was the point of his global warming thing. I only skimmed a few articles, then let my intuitive thinking take over.

Naturally, I took all of my winter clothing and burned it, never foreseeing the need for it again. I would have donated it to charity, but I saw no point in giving homeless people more crap to wheel around in their grocery carts that they would have no need for, thanks to greenhouse gasses and cow flatulence. Then I went to my local warehouse store and bought a fifty gallon drum of tanning lotion. All seemed well with the world until Monday, when I learned of the freeze warning. Freeze warning? What happened to my rum runner and grass skirts? I'll tell you what happened: an evil conspiracy.

I believe that Al Gore and Mother Nature concocted this cruel prank, probably at the behest of Wal-Mart. They get everyone all hyped up with abnormally high summer temperatures, glamorous documentaries, and promises of pina coladas, and them bam!, Mother Nature drops the cold, cruel fist of winter on us. What do we do, as a nation? We turn to Wal-Mart, our low cost leader, and replenish our supplies of coats, hats, woolen underpants, and socks with pictures of reindeer on them. While there, we also buy a blender or two, in the hopes that our never-ending summer may one day be a reality.

I would love to know what kind of kickback Al Gore and Mother Nature are getting. They'll soon be wealthy beyond their wildest dreams, and run away together to the land of Shangri-La. Meanwhile, we working stiffs will be singing Jingle Bells and drinking hot cider like chumps.




JT out.