Friday, December 21, 2007


51 Truths

1. I am a jackass. By this, I don't mean that I push old women into mud puddles. I mean that I laugh when others push old women into mud puddles. The difference is subtle, yet pronounced at the same time. In all actuality, I don't find abuse of the elderly funny. I do however, find abuse of the metric system hilarious. Sometimes I say patently offensive things just to see what kind of reaction I'll get. I'm unnecessarily sarcastic, but I mean no real harm. In fact, if I'm not making fun of you, or I'm being extremely polite, one of two things is happening. I'm either trying to bang your daughter, or I don't like you.

2. I completely ripped off this idea from the CDP, who completely ripped it off from Cargirl. Cargirl received the idea in a vision, where Jeebus spoke to her.

3. I have a lot of friends (both real-life and internet) that are vegetarians. While I admire their resolve, I can't imagine a life without bacon. I've tried fake bacon. It tastes like someone spilled a touch of bacon grease on an old paper bag, let it sit for a day, then microwaved it and put it in my mouth. No thanks. If it didn't used to breathe, I'm not terribly interested.

4. I have an extremely eclectic music collection. My friend Juicy (so named because he was a bartender that always got extremely drunk on the job) used to say that, when riding in my car, you would hear everything from Willie to Wu-Tang. He's right. I wish I had more time for the local music scene, but on the rare occasion that I have a night off, I usually don't go out. The two genres that I have absolutely no use for? Modern "Country" music (I won't launch into a rant right now on that one,) and any kind of techno/trance/house/jungle/electronic noise. I suspect that this is because I'm not an aficionado of all the wacky designer drugs the kids are using these days. Give me a 12 pack of beer and put on Waylon.

5. Speaking of beer, I love beer. As most of you know, Pabst Blue Ribbon is my standard beer. When people hear this, they assume that I have absolutely terrible taste, and start preaching to me about Fat Tire, Red Hook, and all kinds of other micro- and craft-brews. I know, trust me. I make it a point to try and sample local beers whenever I travel. I love a wide variety of beers, it's just that PBR tastes pretty good to me, and fits very nicely into my budget. My current favorite beer? Lion Stout from Sri Lanka. If you've never had it, and you like stouts, search this one out. It's beyond fantastic.

6. While we're on the subject, I also love wine, which is a good thing, since I sell wine for a living. I love a good Cabernet or Barbera, but I'm not much on white wines. I'm trying, I really am. I sample most of the bottles I taste out with customers, and I have a few Sauvignon Blancs and Vino Verdes that I'll drink, but that's about it. However, I am not a wine snob. I will never, ever, look down my nose at someone for buying an "inferior" wine. Drinking is supposed to be a pleasurable activity, kids. Drink what you enjoy. Just try to buy the wines that I rep so I can make some cash, mmmkay?

7. Also? Scotch. I know, I know...this is such a stuffy old white man drink, but I love it.

8. While I'm on the topic of things I love, I'd better bring up Melissa before I get in trouble. Especially after that "I'm trying to bang your daughter" line from earlier. I'm deeply in love with her. We dated at the beginning of my college career (way back in 1997 and 1998,) broke up, didn't see each other much for about eight years, and randomly ran into each other last St. Patrick's Day. Somehow, despite my green beard, goofy hat, and green pants, she agreed to let me cook dinner for her. We've been pretty much inseparable since that night, and I couldn't be happier with the state of my love life.

9. I'm one of the few people that truly loves what they do for a living. I sell wine by day (we're getting ready to start selling beer and liquor as well,) and work in my favorite bar in Columbia by night. Sometimes the extremely long hours and constant driving get to me, but I'm pretty damn lucky and I know it. Not to mention the discounts I get with both jobs...

10. Making this list is much, much more difficult than I thought it was going to be. I'm just glad I didn't commit to 60 truths like the CDP, or 82 like Cargirl. Sweet Jeebus, I just don't want to make that much of my life public.

11. The older I get, the less television I watch. I don't know if I'm getting more discerning, or if the current line up of shows is just lacking. Other than college football, The Office, 30 Rock, How I Met Your Mother, My Name is Earl, Chuck and Scrubs, there isn't a whole lot I watch. I've been watching Heroes but it's starting to lose its appeal with me, and I gave up Lost at the end of Season Two.

12. I'm at a very weird place in my life right now. At the ripe old age of 28, a lot of my friends are pretty settled down, married, and starting to have kids. Me? I'm divorced, and I work in a bar. I stay out entirely too late at least twice a week. I'm just not ready for kids yet. It's not that I don't like kids. I definitely want to have children one day. My little nieces (well, technically, they're not my nieces, but Tex is pretty damn close to a brother, and Madalyn calls me "Uncle T") are completely adorable, and I will brutally torture anyone who lays a hand on either one of their precious little heads. Make note - I did not say "kill." I said "torture," as in there will not be an end to the pain.

13. Which leads nicely into number 13 on the list. I am fiercely loyal to my friends and loved ones. If one of them needs my help, and it's within my power to get it done, it will be done, no questions asked, as soon as possible. It will not be considered a favor that needs to be paid back, it was done out of love and loyalty. Friends don't keep score that way.

14. I should probably now mention that I'm not a violent person, since numbers 12 and 13 may have started painting that picture. I have never started a fight in my life. I have been a participant, I have lost, and I have "won" if you can ever really call it that. As a general rule, I will try to talk out a situation until you punch me. Then I will punch you back. Eventually, we will both look like assholes, but maybe we can shake hands and be friends afterwards. C'mon, I'll buy you a beer.

15. That being said, let's go back to the subject of friends. I firmly believe that I have the best friends in the world. I have known some of them for longer than I can remember (Compton and Kyle) and some I have known for less than a year. A few I have never met in real life. Still, they have always supported me and been there, through moving three times in a six month period, through the divorce, being laid off, what have you. I don't know what I did to deserve such a great group of people, but I'm hoping they stick around a while longer.

16. Whenever I go camping, someone always almost dies. It's usually Ashley. He seems to be extremely accident-prone, especially when booze and fireworks are involved.

17. Somehow, throughout the course of my life, I have acquired entirely too many nicknames for just one man to have: Lil' Boss Man, JT, T, T-Bag, T-Money, J-Tizzle, Hoss, Mark, Caleb, El Dorado, Self-Proclaimed Ruler of Earth, BJ Tennessee Damnit, III, Coach, The Great White Drunk (shortened to tha GWD,) Sloshy Joshy, Joshua R. Higgenbottom, Esq. (shortened to just "Higgenbottom") and probably others that I can't recall right now. Apparently my friends and I are very silly people.

18. Is it odd that at 28, I mentioned that I'm not ready to settle down, but I just bought the second house I've owned? I apparently don't like paying rent.

19. I love guns. I know, I said I'm non-violent. I am. I don't shoot people, or even animals. I shoot insurance agents, Jehovah's Witnesses, and anyone else who comes to my door unannounced and unwelcome. Just kidding...I would never shoot an insurance agent. My gun is for recreational target practice and self-defense only.

20. Also, my roommate loves guns. I would strongly advise against breaking into our house, or being a Jehovah's Witness in the vicinity.

21. When I get drunk, I have the insane desire to change into the silliest, most ridiculous clothes I own. Do not be surprised if you show up late at night on the weekend and I'm wearing work boots, incredibly short, tight shorts, some random t-shirt, and a wig. My roommate has a similar affliction, but luckily for him, it stops at random hats.

22. I love wild game meats. That being said, I don't hunt. It's not because of any particular aversion to the actual activity (note I did not call hunting a "sport.") It's because I don't enjoy the idea of getting up incredibly early just so that I can sit perfectly still and freeze my ass off in a tree. Enough of my friends are avid hunters that I get plenty of venison for free with no effort.

23. I also love trying new and unusual foods. Kangaroo? Delicious. I'm not kidding.

24. I love to cook, be it in the kitchen, or outside. I usually have at least one turkey fry, oyster roast, pig pickin', and low country boil per year. Yes, I'm from South Carolina. To be fair, I have also been known to throw veggie burgers on the grill next to the hog for my friends who are vegetarians.

25. I'm also very good at cheesecakes, although my ex-wife kept the springform pan, so it's been a while since I made one.

26. I love to gamble. I will bet on anything, although my sport of choice is college football. I have bet on little league baseball, high school football, Silver Strike Bowling, dreidel, and even on coin flips. I once won $60 just by screaming "eagle" twelve times in a row and watching the quarter land tails-up. I've also lost $4 on dreidel spins, and who knows how much at blackjack tables.

27. I routinely wake up with unexplained bruises on my body. I don't know if this is from my secret life as a vigilante crime-fighter, Fight Club (oops, wasn't supposed to talk about that...) or the fact that I work in a bar. and am always running into things when we're busy and I'm trying to dodge coworkers and random drunks, but it makes life interesting. I'm very lucky that Melissa is so trusting, or she long ago would have caught on to the fact that they're a direct result of my pole-dancing.

28. I make no bones about it, I am a die-hard Clemson fan. My blood runneth orange. Hell, I'm so hardcore, my semen runneth orange. That being said, as a result of my night job at the Village Idiot, I have become good friends with most of USC's (South Carolina, not Southern Cal) offensive line. They're all good guys. In fact, I am amazed at how grounded and down-to-earth they are. I won't mention names here to keep them out of trouble, but one of the tackles is awesome. I bought him a nice bottle of Prosecco Frizzante as a graduation present. We kid each other gently about our rivalry. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it, but between Melissa, Kyle, and the anonymous O-line, I have started pulling for USC as long as they don't play Clemson, Penn State, Ohio State, or West Virginia.

29. I miss Danny Ford. A lot. I am less than pleased with Tommy Bowden...and by "less than pleased," I mean I wish he would go away. Now.

30. There is one hobby of mine that I regret giving up more than anything. I used to be an avid kayaker. I sold my boat, paddles, and most of my gear to buy an engagement ring once. That didn't work out so well. Damn.

31. Despite all outward appearances, I am a huge geek. Especially when it comes to ? Star Wars movies and the Dragon Warrior/Dragon Quest video games. Final Fantasy fanboys? Suck it.

32. Pushing 30? Yep...but poop jokes still make me laugh. They always will.

33. I am secretly very scared of growing up. I know that I'm supposed to, and I'm at the best place I ever have been, loving my job and Melissa, but I still try to hold back. Yes, I own a house. Yes, I pay my bills on time. Yes, others depend on me. it too late for me to just drink a lot of beer and watch MST3K until I pass out at 5 AM? It is? Fuck.

34. On the flipside, I also feel a touch creepy working with, and hanging out with, college kids at the bar. Other than my boss, I am the oldest employee at the Village Idiot. No one ever goes out of their way to make me feel old, but when I keep asking them to play Panama by Van Halen while everyone else wants to hear something by some hippity-hop's painfully obvious.

35. The reason I started Spork Nation? I was attempting to write a book, it was too disjointed, and I needed a way to refine my writing. Instead, this is what happened. I wouldn't have it any other way.

36. I know I make fun of Canadians and the metric system a lot. I would like to apologize. I don't mean it. No, wait...yes I do. Suck it, Canucks. You and your kilometers can lick my sack. What's that aboot, eh?

37. Did I mention that I'm a jackass? 36 was a primary example.

38. If I hear a banjo or fiddle start to play, I can't help dancing. The sweet sounds of a steel guitar can bring a tear to my eye. The deep, sensual bass notes of a tuba give me a raging erection. It can cut glass.

39. When Spork Nation started, I had no idea that it would reach as far as it does now. I can only hope that it keeps spreading. I have no illusions of making money off of it, I just dig it the most, and couldn't be more pleased.

40. As much of a hardass as I like to pretend I am, I'm a sucker for animals. I have two dogs of my own, and I love Melissa's husky and Peeber Anne, the Maine Coon cat that we share. Seeing a dead animal on the roadside can reduce me to a sobbing baby and ruin my day. I like to think this redeems me somewhat for eating kangaroo.

41. Since my mom is a librarian, I have always been an avid reader. I will read anything, but I prefer sci-fi and fantasy novels. Yes, I am a raging geek. I also devour cookbooks and hardcore Asian pornography. Just kidding, I use my own recipes.

42. I truly, truly hate the fact that Americans are more concerned with websites such as Perez Hilton, TMZ, and an assortment of poorly produced "celebreality" shows than they are with the fate of our nation. Seriously, I know that Kim Kardashian has a killer rack, but it it more important than Ron Paul's stance on NAFTA? Mitt Romney's plan for ending the United States' dependence on foreign oil? Hilary Clinton's plan for humliating Bill as a first husband and going nutso with a hot young male intern who is hung like a donkey? I think not.

43. I would willingly convert to the Mormon religion if it meant that I could marry Melissa, Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman. I would jealously protect my hilarious and beautiful harem with multiple handguns, assault rifles, and dinosaurs armed with laser cannons.

44. I don't like pancakes or waffles nearly as much as most people do. I do, however, love butter and boysenberry syrup.

45. I created the pepperoni omelet during a hungover stupor. It was awesome. I also created the SPAM omelet during a separate hungover stupor. Let's just say it was not as successful.

46. Nine out of ten times that I get in the ocean, I get stung by a jellyfish. I don't know why. If you don't want to get stung, get in the ocean the same time that I do, and stay about five feet away. Also, I have heard that someone peeing on the sting will make it hurt less. Luckily, I have a fairly high pain threshold. Keep it in your pants there, Zippy.

47. Mitch Hedberg passed away way before his prime. No one makes me laugh as hard as he did. There are other comics that I love, but he was the best that I ever heard. Drugs are bad, kids. Seriously.

48. Ric Flair is the greatest wrestler that ever lived. Period. Woo! Whether you like it or not, you better learn to love it, because he's the best thing going today, baby! Woo!

49. Dave Grohl has never been involved in a project that was less than excellent. Seriously. I challenge you to prove me wrong. He is a musical genius. If he and Willie Nelson ever collaborated on anything, I think I would...well, perhaps spontaneously combust.

50. I know that fuel efficiency is important. However, I miss my truck more than anything. This little 4-banger Mitsubishi just doesn't cut it.

51. For all of my vices, I like to think that I'm a pretty good person at heart. I try to be honest, keep my promises, treat others kindly, am entirely too nice to homeless people and those in need, and never welch on my bets. I'm no saint, but I'm not such a bad guy.

52. I'm actually a woman. (I said 51 truths...)

Wowee wow wow wow....that was harder than I thought. Have a great weekend, kids, and let me know what you think of my I a terrible person? Do you now find me dead sexy?

Also, I know a lot of people are getting ready to start travelling for the holidays, so be careful out there, and Merry Beermas! Also, Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Happy Kwanzaa, and to all my Pastafarian brethren: Happy Holiday from one pirate to another.

JT out.

Awesome. It's harder than it looks!

3 - Soy bacon is terrible. Chicken and riblets? Pretty awesome, actually.

8 - None of my business, but why did you two break up in the first place? You seem to be great for each other.

11 - I feel the same, mainly because most TV is terrible.

16 - The first three times I read this, I saw it as 'someone almost always dies.'

17 - Joshua R. Higgenbottom, Esq. is my favorite.

26 - The Missus put a damper on my gambling after I once lost $700 in 30 minutes.

34 - This is how I feel when I troll the elementary school playgrounds.

35 - There's still time!

43 - Can we just clone Tina Fey a billion times for all us fanboys that want to marry her?

48 - You had better be watching RAW over the next few months. They're doing an angle where if Flair loses a match, he has to retire. This is because he really will be retiring at Wrestlemania in April, so watch him while you still can, because the Nature Boy is hanging 'em up really soon.

49 - Grohl = God.

Great job; this is addictive.
8 - None of my business, but why did you two break up in the first place? You seem to be great for each other.

Long story, but essentially, U think we were too young to be in such a serious relationship.
3. Internet friends are really just aliens trying to win your trust. right buddy?

5. I hear you man, sometimes I just want to go slumming with a Corona. Don't judge me.

9. I am also one of those people. We meet secretly once a year at an exotic location, I will include your name on the guest list. Congratulations.

16. I also thought this said 'some almost always dies' The fact it was 'usually Ashley' made it so much more funny.

24. I love to cook BC (Before Children) I would spend the afternoon making gourmet cuisine for my wife. Now it's Mac N' Cheese or hot dogs.

25. Why did I always supect this of you?

26. Losing money from my hand, pocket, bank account, firts born's blood has never been fun to me.

41. I am completely addicted to Sci/Fi novels. There's something about future possibilities that draws me in. I am intensely curious and just have to know about things. Even if they will probably never happen.

42. I hate any celebrelated gossip, tv show, or magazine. They accuse Howard Stern and Johnny Knoxville of pandering the lowest common humor, who the hell do they think those celeb stories cater to?

50. I drive a '98 Ford Expedition. I love it with unholy passion. I assauge my guilt by only having a 1.5 mile commute to work. (I DO walk occasionally)
Now it's Mac N' Cheese or hot dogs.

Now, if you just cut up the hot dogs and put them in the Mac N' Cheese...that's gourmet.
Add a lilttle Tony's Cachere and we're in business
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