First of all, let me state that I know that using the term "2k9" or any variation thereof is completely douchey. Second, let me also state that I don't care, as I find it absolutely hilarious, even after almost a decade.

Regardless, Halloween is fast approaching, and I have yet to stumble upon that "YES!" factor when considering costume ideas. Part of the reason is that I'm not sure which city, and therefore which party I will be attending, and part of it is that I just don't have the time to worry about it too much. However, I feel that I have to at least equal, if not surpass, the complete badassery of past years' costumes. This is where you, gentle reader, come into play. I'm looking for an awesome idea from one of you out there in interweb land.

Here are some guidelines:

• Cost is a factor. After taking a complete bath on the sale of my house (who the hell would have expected to write a gigantic check to sell a house???) my funds are a touch limited this year.
• No duplications of previous years, which include Blanche from The Golden Girls, a hippie when Melissa dressed as a cop and we went as "Phish and CHiPs," and my most scandalous Catwoman costume last year, in which I wrapped most of my body in bondage tape and teetered around drunkenly in Melissa's high-heeled black leather boots all night.
• No "ripped from the headlines" pop culture. In fact, I will go so far as to state in a public forum that if I see anyone dressed as either Jon or Kate Gosselin, I will punch them in their junk, whether that be a scrotum or ovaries. Looking at the front cover of People Stars Weekly OK! and making that your costume is not creative or funny. Me wearing a hat and claiming my costume is "JT with a Hat" is more clever.
• I'm not afraid to crossdress, as evidenced by my Blanche and Catwoman costumes, although I don't want to be typecast as that crossdressing Halloween guy either.
• While I won't rule out nudity, is has to be integral to the costume, and not just gratuitous so you people can drool over my magnificent man-junk. Sinners.
• If I pick anyone's costume idea, I will send them a $84 gift certificate to the Sizzler.*

There they are, your rules and regulations. Do your worst...or rather your best. Your worst would be "JT in a Hat." Leave your suggestions in the comments section here on Spork Nation.

JT out.

*No, I won't.