Football season is approaching. I can almost smell it. Around this time of year I get antsy, much like a four-year-old before [insert holiday here] (Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, or whatever you Canucks celebrate.) Clemson kicks off at 3:30 pm on Saturday, September 2nd. That’s 36 days, 2 hours and 48 minutes from now, in case you were wondering.

As far as weekends go, this one was pretty tame. Don’t get me wrong, I had a great weekend. I got my Aussie friend Sam to drink entirely too much PBR with me and took him to a country bar (he’s determined to fully experience the South, and I just like having a partner in crime,) and I woke up on Kyle and Brett’s futon, but I didn’t do anything truly story-worthy. Or if I did, I don’t remember it. Please keep it to yourselves.

Speaking of, I’ve come up with a new set of standards for what it takes for a weekend to qualify as great. One of them involves waking up on the aforementioned futon.

Sorry for the tangent…now back to our regularly scheduled program. My dad and I switched vehicles today because he needed to take my grandmother to the doctor, and she has a hard time getting up into his truck. Luckily, I drive a small four-door sedan that is perfect for elderly ladies to ride in. That’s because I’m a badass. Nothing evokes the image of a rebel like hearing those four cylinders roar to life. Also, it makes it easier to pick up the ladies at Bingo night.

Anyway, I digress. The image of my dad, whom I have almost never seen in any vehicle that wasn’t a four-wheel drive, in my little Galant is funny. Also, he is a compulsive neat freak, and I know that the unexplainable chaos that is my backseat will bother him the entire time he’s in my car. I will not be surprised if I get home and find out he has organized my car, serviced it, washed it and then torched it for the insurance money because it’s slowly dying anyway.

The upside of this is that I get to drive his truck today. The Galant is my first non-four-wheel drive vehicle, and it drives me crazy. I love my dad’s truck, and wish it were mine. However, being a sales rep that spends most days on the road, a smaller, more fuel efficient car makes sense. Damn adulthood. Just to spite adulthood, I can pretty much say with absolute certainty that this is the first time the CD player in his truck has ever played any music by Butthole Surfers. Take that, Captain Responsible!

Sometimes I like to do things just to get a reaction. Actually, let me start over. Since I’m newly single, I’ve decided to get back into shape. Any shape really, as long as the beer gut is less noticeable. Like most people, I have a workout partner. The main reason for this is that, if I don’t make a commitment to someone else to meet him at the gym, I’m probably going to find an excuse not to go by myself. Shocking.

We also try to motivate each other, which brings me back to my newest genius idea. I’m sure most of you have been in the gym and heard the guys yelling at their partners who are bench pressing, “Come on, man! Explode! Hell Yeah!” This makes me laugh. Especially the “explode” part. I’ve decided (although I have yet to consult Stan on this) to come up with motivational things to yell that will sound completely out of place. I’m also considering using some sort of accent. Since I’m feeling lazy today, I’m just going to make a list. Then I’m going to take a nap.

I say, good sir! That was remarkable!

Splendid!

My, what incredible might you possess!

Heavens to Betsy!

What a feat of strength!

What a Herculean effort!

One more set, and I’ll buy you ice cream on the way home!

Okay, so I just came up with that last one because I’m craving ice cream…and then a nap. I love rainy weekend days.

link put on wax by JT @ 12:26 3 words of wisdom

I know I’ve mentioned my divorce being final recently. What I have yet to talk about is the party that took place a couple of Saturdays ago to celebrate my newly acquired single status. We cooked a half hog on the grill, boiled 6 pounds of peanuts, and drank so much beer that brewery workers across the US got a raise.

I had a great turnout, the pig turned out well, and the fire burned brightly, even if it went out fairly quickly, as fires are apt to do when the main ingredient is gasoline. Lato and I also ran out of gas on the four-wheeler in the woods in the dark, and had to hike back to the house using our cell phones as flash lights.

But what I really want to talk about is the most unexpected aspect of the party – the gifts that people brought. I wasn’t expecting any, and the thought had not crossed my mind that anyone would bring any. I received:

a Cuban cigar (which I’m saving for a special occasion)

a Piggly Wiggly shirt (for those of you not from South Carolina, it’s a grocery store) that says “I’m Big on the Pig!” on the back

2 lottery tickets that won me $15, but that I lost before I redeemed them

A box of chewing gum

and finally, a giant “hot and spicy” pickle, which I finally got the courage to eat a few days later.

A few people also brought bottles of Boone’s Farm “wine” which we proceeded to pass around and cannonball. Did I mention that my friends rock out loud? Although I do seem to remember someone (I think it was Aubrey) trying to get me to eat the pickle that night while I was drinking. Holy bad hangover ideas, Batman!

link put on wax by JT @ 10:56 0 words of wisdom

I have apparently developed several split personalities. Three, to be exact. They used to blend together a bit more, but have recently become more pronounced.

There is Josh, the relatively normal, easygoing guy who likes to have fun. He’s been around my entire life, because that’s me, the base personality. He likes all kinds of music, drinking beer and hanging out with friends. He wants an early 70’s International Scout with a removable bimini top because it would be fun. Politically, Josh is an independent with Libertarian leanings.

Next up is Captain Responsible. I suspect he first showed up shortly after I cut all of my hair off in college. He listens to talk radio, shuns drinking during the week in favor of going to the gym, and wants to buy a four door sedan because it’s practical. Politically, Captain Responsible is somewhat of a Republican.

Finally is the newest personality, Mark. Mark hates Captain Responsible. A lot. Somehow, Mark is 2 years older than Josh. It doesn’t make much sense, but what does? Mark showed up shortly after I became newly single, and I have to guess he’ll be around for a bit. Mark likes to get completely sloshed off of Scotch, stay out all night, and doesn’t vote because it interferes with him doing nothing useful. He wants a motorcycle because they’re badass.

Luckily for me, Mark and Captain Responsible kind of balance each other out, so no one notices how truly nuts I am.

Author’s note: I originally wrote this a week ago, and just haven’t gotten around to posting it. I think I should mention two more things:
First, I have started talking about these personalities as if they were real. For instance, last night I told Avril that Mark and Captain Responsible argued about whether or not I could go see J’Ouvert play. Captain Responsible gave Mark permission under the condition that we only have one beer, since it was Tuesday. While at the bar, Mark tried to convince Captain Responsible that we could have two beers if we drank Coors Light, since that hardly counts as a beer. Captain Responsible was having none of it.

Second, Mark is Avril’s hero, and she really hates Captain Responsible.