Sunday, April 15, 2007
I Hate Columbia Drivers
However, that does not give people the right to be complete idiots when driving. On my way home this afternoon from the bar where I work, people were hitting their brakes every time the wind gusted. Since the wind was gusting several times per minute, this resulted in traffic slowing to barely more than a crawl. Every time we would start to move, the wind would gust, and forty right feet hit the brake pedal, resulting in me creating new expletives and questioning if South Carolina is more filled with inbreeding than West Virginia or Kentucky, perhaps more than both combined. In truth, I think the news reports were scaring people more than the actual wind, as it wasn't really gusting all that hard. I drive a mid-sze car, and I felt completely safe...other than worrying that I was about to start killing the drivers in front of me, which could have resulted in me being made a prison bitch by someone named Tito. I'm too pretty to go to jail.
Sometimes I wish I worked at the DMV. There would be a lot fewer morons with drivers licenses if I was in charge. I would automatically fail anyone who committed one of the following offenses:
- Driving slowly in the left lane
- Driving slowly in the middle lane (if the road has three or more lanes)
- Tailgating someone who does not currently have the opportunity to move over to let you pass
- Stopping at a yellow light
- Blatantly running a red light and holding up cross traffic. You're not more important than me, jackass.
- Blocking an intersection because you failed to notice that traffic ahead was stopped and there was no way you would get through before the other light turned green.
- Driving a yellow car
- Driving any type of incredibly fancy four-wheel-drive vehicle that you will never, never, ever take off roads or into the woods. Buy a car, asshole. If you need to carry lots of kids around, may I suggest a minivan or station wagon?
Whew. I feel much better now. Thanks for listening to me rant, folks. Hope everyone enjoyed their weekend! If you have any additional traffic offenses that get to you, add them in the comments section.
Ironic, really. Or remarkably stupid.
This was my personal favorite. It's right up there with the people who don't happen to notice the last 5 lane merging ahead signs and must think it's pretty neat to have their own lane while all those other suckers are bumper to bumper until... WHOAH they run out of room and cut somebody off.
When I see this happening I beg and plead with the drivers in front of me. "c'mon guys, keep it close, don't give that d-bag an opening... AAH @#$#@! You let him in you weak fool*!!
*(this is the part where my colorful metaphors really begin to take on a life of their own)
I'm so glad I don't have a big commute. I'd be a statistic for certain.