Wednesday, August 27, 2008



Taking a fresh load of clothes out of a dryer while topless can cause your nipple to get burned by a very hot zipper. I do these kinds of things so you don't have to. Sometimes I feel like a real live crash test dummy. I'm not like the guys on Jackass though. I'm just accident prone. Sure, I occasionally do stunts on here, but it's amusing stuff like trying to chug a gallon of milk in an hour, not insane stuff like stapling my naughty bits to my leg. My naughty bits and I have an agreement: I don't intentionally staple them to my leg, and they don't accidentally get stuck in my zipper. It's win-win, really. Anyway, I'm sure none of you stopped by to read about my naughty bits (but if you did, you're welcome. Call me.)

The point I was trying to make in a rambling fashion is this: I don't get normal injuries like stubbed toes or paper cuts. I get my nipples burnt by searingly hot zippers. Actually, I would have to say that I get burned more often than anything else. I'd have to attribute this to a lot of cooking, both at home and when I've had kitchen jobs in restaurants. In fact, I would say that I've had a fairly painful burn at every job I've ever had. For instance, I once burned myself six times in one night in a kitchen job. I still have one of the scars. Oddly enough, it is just below the knuckles on my left hand. I'm still not sure how I got burned there. And not just restaurants, I got third degree burns over half of my body when I sold office supplies for Staples. It was a terrible laminating accident (no it wasn't. I made that up.) It's partly due to being in a fast paced environment, and partly about not paying attention. Those two factors combined can be lethal and funny at the same time, much like Chuck Norris's early years as a birthday clown. Not like Steven Segal's clown years. They were just tragic and predictable.

Also, if any of you ever go to the beach with me, you would be well advised to keep your distance in the ocean. I'm a jellyfish magnet. I had a streak of about six years that I got stung at least once per beach trip. One year I got stung three days consecutively. I've been stung so many times it doesn't even phase me anymore. I calmly limp out of the water, go sit down, and rub meat tenderizer into my leg. Then I get drunk. Honestly, it got so bad that, to this day, my mother keeps meat tenderizer in her beach bag, even though I haven't been on vacation with my parents in several years. (I think there were entirely too many commas in that sentence, but I'm not sure which ones to remove.)

You want random? Here you go! I once wrenched my bad really badly while bending over to pick up a box and sneezing simultaneously. I fractured my skull when I was turning somersaults in a small room and ran headfirst into the wall. I have a scar on the top of my forehead from a bed-jumping accident when I was young. We were in one of those hotel rooms with two double beds, I was jumping back and forth between them, and I missed, hitting my head on the bed frame. It required stitches.

Picture this: You're my dad. Even at the age of four (not my dad. Me.), you know that your young son is destined to be roguishly good looking and devastatingly charming. You suspect that one day he will be both a professional athlete and an astronaut. You have left your son and wife in the hotel room to go get food for supper. When you come back, both people are gone, and there is a significant amount of blood on the floor. Luckily, my mother acted quickly and got the hotel manager to drive us to the emergency room. Also, she was kind enough to leave a note so that my dad didn't think we had been kidnapped by Libyan terrorists, eager to get their hands on the pinnacle of human evolution (not my mom. Me.) This is the kind of hell I put my parents through.

This picture? Taken after I attempted to take a running leap over a flaming grill, and promptly landed on the grill, setting my pants on fire and knocking the flaming contents of the grill into the yard. I'll be honest. I had been drinking for that one. I seriously doubt any sober person would decide to take a running leap over a flaming grill. Also, notice the CDP shirt. Go say hi. I'll wait right here until you come back. While I didn't suffer any burns on this one (quite luckily, I might add) I did pull a muscle in my back and bruise my dignity a bit. Just so everyone realizes how lucky it was that I avoided any burns, here is a picture of the contents of the grill on the ground:

I landed slightly to the left of that.

In general, my message? Don't try this at home, kids. I'm a trained professional, doing these things so that you don't have to. Sound off in the comments section and share any random or amusing injuries you've gotten.

JT out.

Punctuation might be as follows:
Honestly, it got so bad that to this day my mother keeps meat tenderizer in her beach bag, even though I haven't been on vacation with my parents in several years. (I think there were entirely too many commas in that sentence, but I'm not sure which ones to remove)

That is all. Good to see you back man!

Sweet Jeebus, Blake. Your first comment is on punctuation?

Just screwing with you pal. Good to see you here. Any trips back to SC in your future?

We could toss back some premium beers.
I think the most unusual injury I've gotten would have to be severe electricity burns on my neck when I was 5.

Long story, involving my relatives in Tennessee, an invisible dog fence & collar and DCFS.

P.S. - Nice CDProduct placement!
Thanks for the shirt shout-out; I'll need to design some new merch so you can replace the burnt one.

Also, because I'm a lazy and shiftless writer, I was marveling at the fact that you essentially put 20 posts worth of injuries into just one essay. You could have dragged those tales out for a month, man!

Welcome back.
Actually, the shirt is fine. A bit worse for the wear, but fine nonetheless.

And thanks. It's good to be back.
I think your injuries are contagious. I broke my collar bone at your birthday party. Then, there's also the infamous 4-wheeler accident. We were actually pretty lucky with that one.
Yeah, Kyle and I almost died. My bad on that one.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?