So...I'm really sorry that my last few posts have taken such a negative turn. My intense work schedule and lack of sleep has me on edge, and I don't like the way it's affecting my outlook on life. However, there are bills to be paid, so work I must. Plus, I really love my job, it's just been a crazy month.

Observe:
2 weeks ago - I had beer suppliers in town from Colorado. Monday night, I thought I was meeting them out for drinks. Which was correct...I just didn't know that drinks meant bar-hopping like I was in college two night in a row - Monday and Tuesday. The rep that rode along with me actually slept in my car between sales calls during the day, something I could not do unless I wanted us to die, since I was driving. Wednesday, I had a wine rep in town. He wanted to "go grab a quick cocktail" at the end of the day, which turned into us drinking our faces off. Thursday night I had a wine tasting, Saturday during the day I had another tasting, and Sunday I wound up picking up a double shift at the Village Idiot. This is all in addition to the normal day hours I worked.

Last week - Wine tastings Thursday night, Friday night, and Saturday during the day. Plus normal working hours. Plus my insomnia is starting to kick back in...due to stress. Unfortunately, my stress increases when I don't sleep...you get the picture. It's a vicious cycle.

This week - Meeting out of town all day Tuesday. Beer event Wednesday night (just got home...10:00 PM.). Wine tasting Thursday night. Sponsoring, and somewhat hosting bar trivia Friday night. Baby shower Saturday. Closing shift at the Idiot Sunday night. Once again, in addition to regular working hours.

So...I'm sorry I've been so short-tempered lately. This is not meant to excuse my behavior, just to provide some insight. I promise, the normally cheerful, yet still a jackass JT will return...just not sure when.

JT out.

Tonight, I was sorely disappointed. I should probably start this out by acknowledging that Melissa is bisexual. This has never presented any obstacles because she is monogamous, unlike most men's visions of hot-blooded bi-girls who will bed anything and everything, especially on late-night cable. She has never hidden this fact from me, and I have never had an issue with it.

Tonight, however, we were invited to a cookout at a local bar, cleverly titled "The L Word," since none of the lesbians in Columbia seem to have a creative bone (no pun intended) in their bodies. If I seem to be taking a harsh approach, just stick with me and you'll see why. I knew from step one that I, as a heterosexual male, would be out of place. I assumed that these people would be understanding and welcoming, since they are used to being ostracized. I was planning on showing up and demonstrating that I was a very forward-thinking straight guy who could hang out and have a few drinks and be friends with everyone. I could not have been more wrong.

I was introduced to two gay men right off of the bat. They were both very friendly and accepting and offered to bring me a plate of food. Nothing untowards, just genuinely nice people. It wasn't until I had to thread my way past the lesbian bikers and into the bar that I sensed what I was up against. One lady who was playing pool immediately warned me that I would "be skewered" if I didn't move. She poked her pool cue towards me in a manner that left no doubt that she planned on prodding me with it.

I followed Melissa to the bar to see her friend who works there. Melissa ordered a drink, and I was about to, when I felt something poking me rather insistently in my nether regions. Sure enough, it was that old lesbian woman, making a point to poke me, when she didn't even have a shot to take. I tried to smile and laugh it off, to show that I was an okay guy, until she did it repeatedly. At that point I cancelled my drink order and informed Melissa I would be waiting outside. I was quickly approaching my boiling point, and didn't want to make the news as the straight guy who committed some hate crime, when I would have much more quickly laid out any guy who pulled a similar stunt. She just wasn't worth my time or effort.

I went back outside to watch Melissa enjoy her wine while I watched my back to make sure nothing stupid happened. Keep in mind, I was trying to be friendly and open-minded. While I knew that I was a straight guy in a lesbian bar, I didn't see how that was much different than when my lesbian friend Sara comes to visit me at the Village Idiot. No one cares, and we all have fun.

Flip side of the coin: Straight guy in Columbia dares to show up at The L Word. Everyone hates him, assuming that I am there to take all of the women back to some sort of hetero-style concentration camps to learn how to love a penis. Here's a hint, ladies (and I use that term loosely): I don't care. Really, you can be gay, straight or bi. As long as your life choices do not impact me in a negative fashion, I will stand behind your right to perform whatever acts on whomevers sexual organs that make you whistle Dixie. Not an issue with me.

Just don't make it a point to be angry at me because I have a penis and appreciate the female form. I'm sorry if I snatched up the hot chick at your bar. In all fairness, I knew her first.

What really makes me the saddest is that I know Melissa enjoys hanging out with her bartending friend there. I was hoping to be able to spend some time there, both to get to know her friend, and just see more of Melissa, since our jobs keep us apart. This is not to be, as I will never, ever, step another foot onto this property, or spend so much as a penny at the bar. My free time is too precious to be spent where I'm not welcome, I just wish it could have been different, since one of Melissa's best friends bartends there.

JT out.

...for a white guy. Let me preface this by saying that I have heard, only through cousins of friends who live in other states and once worked for the circus and are now deceased, that some people steal, or "pirate," software programs from the internet. I, of course, would never dream of such a thing. I'm not even sure what an internet is, or where this information superhighway I keep hearing about starts or stops.

However, someone, unbeknownst to me, put a copy of Fruity Loops on my computer. Mind you, I had no idea it wasn't a legal copy. I assumed the software fairy had bestowed it upon me since my external hard drive had crashed, eliminating almost ten years of hard work spent aquiring animated pornography of Scooby Doo and He Man. Pretty soon, I had gained some skill with this program.

I was illin', making mad beats, yo. I was holding it down on the ones and twos, representin' fo' tha 803 in ways you sucka DJs can only dream about, son! Battle me, see where that gets you! My beats was poppin', yo.

It wasn't until I actually started trying to picture myself behind the turntables at some nightclub or arena event that I realized...



...this is not the face of a DJ. It's the face of an almost-thirty-year-old jackass.

Damn, I love my life.

JT out.

This is for all of you kids out there, rocking your Phish t-shirts and environmental protection bumper stickers. I see a lot of you tossing your cigarette butts out of the window of your car. Maybe I'm confused, because I don't smoke that much pot, but isn't that littering? You know, the opposite of saving Mother Earth? Perhaps you're unaware, but it is estimated that cigarette butts take up to eleven years to decompose. Not exactly bio-friendly. And don't feed me the excuse about them smelling up your car. Between the smoking that takes place in your car (of both tobacco and pot) and the fact that you haven't bathed since Jerry died...your car already smells pretty damn bad. I doubt that a couple of cigarette butts will make a difference.

You know where they do make a difference? Places like my yard, the sidewalk, the lakes, just to name a few.

Sorry for the short rant. Excessive working hours right now are taking a toll on my creativity and patience.

JT out.

Far be it from me to assume that Spork Nation endorsing one candidate or another carries any weight in this election, but I have to throw my hat into the ring with Barack Obama.

He has run an extremely positive campaign, which is a breath of fresh air these days. Not only that, but I dismiss the talk of his lack of experience compared to Hilary Clinton. Let's look at in in a different light: Dick Cheney has plenty of experience. How is that going for us? George W. Bush? Still a fair amount of experience, and I think we are all too aware of how poorly our economy and world image have suffered in the past eight years.

Maybe we need a new perspective instead of the status quo.

Also, there's this.

My kind of guy.

JT out.

I'm sure everyone has heard thhe urban legend that states that it is impossible for a human to drink an entire gallon of milk in an hour. In the interest of sciens, and being a pair of jackasses, my friend Heimlich and I decided to test the theory. Here are the results:




Please don't try this at home, kids. I'm a dumbass, with years of experience at such.

Enjoy the weekend.

JT out.